God I was a bore yesterday.
It wasn’t very fair on my dad, since it was supposed to be his special day, but I was dowwwwwwwn.
I had to keep popping off to the bathroom for little sad moments. Eventually I dipped out early and went home so people wouldn’t have to deal with my bleak face.
I can’t even tell you what was wrong. I can speculate, but the truth is that I’m not entirely sure.
I know that on some visceral level I can only handle family time with Husband in short bursts. Yesterday was a two-and-a-half hour Father’s Day breakfast marathon. I know that doesn’t sound like long, but geez it felt like an eternity.
By the time he gave me a thank-you/goodbye hug at 10.30am I was desperate to be gone. I think, deep down, it takes an incredible effort for me to pretend everything is fine when he’s cut me deeper than I’ve ever been cut before.
A friend who’s going through a similar situation asked if hanging out with Husband and the kids makes me wish we were still together. No. No it doesn’t. Life is too short to be with someone who isn’t crazy about you.
I hope I’ll eventually meet someone who IS crazy about me. Bizarrely, I actually think Husband has done me a huge favour, giving me that second chance.
While I miss being a family, I don’t miss Husband. Well, I kinda do when I want to go and see the Flight of The Conchords movie, What We Do In The Shadows. That was one of our things, we cackled ourselves silly over The Conchords. If we were still together we’d be booking a babysitter pronto.
Bah. (Yes, yes, I KNOW I could go on my own, but I’d rather go with someone who finds it as funny as I do.)
So yesterday was a bit crap. Particularly when my friend got sick and couldn’t go to the Dead Marines gig with me in the afternoon. I figured no one else would be free either on Fathers Day. So I mooched off to pump at the gym instead and tried to sweat the blues away.
It kinda worked. I didn’t feel like crying afterwards, which was a definite improvement on the rest of the day. Then I headed back to my sister’s snazzy new deck for a vodka and some yibber yabber with her and her partner. We exchanged war stories and agreed that divorce sucks.
Divorce sucks BIG TIME. Do everything you can not to go there. Love the one you’re with …
Song of the day: Fine Young Cannibals “She drives me crazy”