Men and boobs

Amanda Bynes thought everyone might like to see her pups on Twitter as a New Year’s gift.

What is it with men and boobs? I only need to look at my blog stats whenever I mention mammaries to be reminded how completely gaga they get about them.

Princess Kate’s Nude Scandal scored me more than 12,000 views. Now Sofia Vergara’s fiance exposing her boob during a nightclub brawl is providing hundreds and counting. We’re talking about very blurry pictures of famous women’s breasts, nipples tastefully obscured by the websites who’ve bought the rights to the publish the pics.

I just don’t get it.

So I decided to do some research.

AlterNet reckons: “We giggle and swoon and peek and rage because we have not yet as a culture resolved our conflicts over breasts. Compared with other cultures, in other times and in other places, we sexualise them to an absurd and unprecedented degree. Because we see them for one thing, we are incapable of seeing them for what they really are. This makes us uneasy. To whom do they really belong? To men or to babies? To Kate or to the internet?

“It is fitting, as well as quite funny, that the royal couple fled the tata tornado only to land back in time, in the Solomon Islands, where they encountered bare-breasted women at every turn. It was as if they were being reminded in a way the rest of us can’t be, that these things were, once upon a time, just breasts. In some vanishing parts of the world not yet stampeded by underwire and Hollywood, breasts are merely pedestrian. As one tweeter put it, “France just discovered that Kate Middleton has breasts! One day they will discover soap.”

“It is only in societies where we cover breasts up and inflate with cartoon-shaped padded bras (lift and separate!), and where we discourage use of their biological function – breastfeeding – that these glands take on an out-sized proportion in our sexual imaginations. That is why we can’t bear to see them bared on the future queen.”

According to Larry Young PHD and Brian Alexander in a Huffington Post blog called Breasts: The Real Reason Men Love Them: “Biologically speaking, this human male breast obsession is pretty weird. Men are the only male mammals fascinated by breasts in a sexual context. Women are the only female mammals whose breasts become enlarged at puberty, independent of pregnancy. We are also the only species in which males caress, massage and even orally stimulate the female breasts during foreplay and sex.”

And why is that? They say: “When a woman gives birth, her newborn will engage in some pretty elaborate manipulations of its mother’s breasts. This stimulation sends signals along nerves and into the brain. There, the signals trigger the release of a neurochemical called oxytocin from the brain’s hypothalamus. This oxytocin release eventually stimulates smooth muscles in a woman’s breasts to eject milk …

“When a partner touches, massages or nibbles a woman’s breasts, it sparks the same series of brain events as nursing. Oxytocin focuses the brain’s attention to the partner’s face, smell, and voice. The combination of oxytocin release from breast stimulation, and the surge of dopamine from the excitement of foreplay and face-to-face sex, help create an association of the lover’s face and eyes with the pleasurable feelings, building a bond in the women’s brain.

“So joke all you want, but our fascination with your breasts, far from being creepy, is an unconscious evolutionary drive prompting us to activate powerful bonding circuits that help create a loving, nurturing bond.”

That’s all very well, but all those blokes googling “Sofia Vergara exposed breast” still seem pretty creepy to me. And those “naked woman alone in home” stalkers (1261 views and counting) … they’re definitely dodgy … but thank you for making my blog numbers look so good every day.

Finally, just for something completely hilarious … in October Men’s Health reported: “Ready for this?, one of the world’s largest free porn websites, has come up with perhaps the most genius initiative to raise money for an important cause that we’ve ever seen: For every 30 videos watched under the site’s “Big Tits” and “Small Tits” channels, Pornhub will donate one cent to the Susan G. Komen Foundation to further its research in finding a cure for breast cancer.

“Saving lives doesn’t get much easier that.

“Our viewers will be raising money and awareness by doing something they already love: watching porn,” says Corey Price, vice president of Pornhub.”

Men and boobs. Nuh, I still don’t get it.

As for men and porn … that’s a whole other freak show.


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