When I told my sister-in-law a blog I’d written, called “I’m glad my kids aren’t fat”, was being republished on Mamamia she said: “Good luck and put on your thick skin.”
After the post went live, I nervously checked the comments once, saw a few people were agreeing with me, a few were disagreeing, and decided to leave it at that. Until I got a tweet announcing … “@Mamamia @AlanaHouse My response. I want my girl to be joyful, not ‘thin’.”
I took the bait and clicked through to I want my girl to be joyful, not “thin”
And my thick skin suddenly got thinner.
Some highlights …
“The article has already generated nearly a hundred comments on Mamamia.com.au, some agreeing with the author’s stance, others vehemently arguing that her preoccupation with her children being “thin” is, in fact, a much more damaging example to set them than her self-confessed few extra kilograms …
“My girl will eat vegetables aplenty, and lean meat (no, despite my own choices, I will not raise her vegetarian), and grains and eggs and cheese and all the good things but she will occasionally eat pizza too. And fish and chips and sausage rolls and jelly slices and gosh-darn fairy bread because I remember eating all those things as a kid with such joy.
“My girl will experience joy.
“Because, unlike what the author of this article contends, food doesn’t always have to be just about sustenance. It can be about fun, too …
“I’m working on it so, when she’s older, she never feels like the children of this author will feel when they read this article – that what they weigh is more important to their mother than the joy they feel.”
Oh-kay, I thought. Deep breaths. Not an entirely accurate appraisal of my parenting style, but Mamamia readers don’t read my ramblings every day, so they have no context. Housegoeshome regulars know that I am not a) preoccupied with my children being thin, b) intent on treating food as sustenance instead of fun, and c) making my children feel that what they weigh is more important to me than the joy they feel.
But it still stung. I felt like I was being accused of being a bad mother.
And I suddenly found myself writing a series of “and another thing” comments on Kate’s blog. To be fair to her, she chose a bad day to criticise my parenting. It was my first day back at work after more than 12 months as a stay-at-home mum and I was feeling a bit down about deserting the kids.
I pointed out to Kate that I regularly blog recipes at housegoeshome, and they are just as likely to be cakes and muffins as diety food. I have never mentioned childhood obesity or children’s body image on my blog in the past. We never mention it at home either. Husband is very particular about it. He hates anyone making “you’re so pretty” remarks to the kids – the last thing he wants is them thinking their appearance is what makes them valued human beings. And I’m adamant that my children being kind is what makes me most proud. Being thin is waaaaaay down the list of qualities I admire in them.
Kate was really sweet and apologised: “Gah! This is why I should stick to fiction! I’m sorry if I offended you, Alana – you’re right, I did read your blog post out of context and have now had a squiz at the rest of your site. It’s obviously a sticky issue for me and I’m floundering with how to deal with it. I just hate the thought of my Tiger inheriting any of my insecurities, and I’m desperate to work out a way to prevent it. I obviously don’t have a flipping clue, but I’ll muddle my way through, as we all do! I hope my post didn’t seem judgemental – it wasn’t meant to. It was more a way of me working through my own thoughts than a comment on your parenting. Anyway, babbling again! Thank you for getting in touch and I hope the assumptions you make about me aren’t too harsh!”
I’m not going to make any assumptions about Kate, other than that she was a little quick to make assumptions about me.
But, like I said in one of my many “and another thing” comments: “I still feel glad [my children] aren’t the obese kids at the pool, and I don’t care who slams me for that.”
Such as Justina, who demanded: “How exactly is judging a fat child for exercising in public on a mommyblog going to make it easier for fat children to feel comfortable exercising in public?”
Erm, Justina, the “fat” kids weren’t “exercising”, they were splashing around between mouthfuls of sweet biscuits and hot chips.
But, in the spirit of political correctness, I will apologise to “Aussie in Germany”, who griped: “The most offensive thing about this article is the use of the word “Nazi” The term nazi, used here oh so casually by the author in relation to the task of feeding her kids really belittles tragic events that occurred under a terrible regime. (I had to look twice at the sentence to make sure I wasn’t mistaken) Author and editors lift your game, there are plenty of non offensive adjectives to choose from.”
I stand corrected on being a food “nazi”. It won’t happen again.
The end.
(I bet it’s not the end …)
housegoeshome 
I’ll admit your post made me a little uncomfortable, but I respected your honesty. Plus I love your recipes, so I had context on my side. It’s such a fraught issue because so many of us are desperate for our kids not to have any of the body/self esteem ‘issues’ that we had growing up. It makes people uptight and defensive and probably hinders a more productive debate about keeping our kids healthy. Good on you for contributing to the public conversation.
I am with you on this issue. Apart from the ‘Nazi’ which I have noticed is thrown around more casually in Australia than it is in Europe (but hey, it goes both ways – some of my relatives in Switzerland throw words like ‘motherfucker’ into a fb status update without a second thought!).
I remember seeing an Oprah epsiode where they madly cheered extra large clothes now being available at a particular store. I found this insanity. These were unhealthy, obese people being told, ‘You’re ok! In fact, we will support thing that is killing you and make money off it! Be proud, stick together and don’t change a thing!’. How is this different from a host announcing extra small clothes to an audience of anorexics? I am all for different shapes and all sorts of foods but I can’t celebrate a friends’ excessive weight knowing that it is shortening their lifespan just as I can’t celebrate a dangerously underweight friend’s lack of weight.
ps. Your recipes are delicious! 🙂
Dear Alana,
I deliberated about replying to this – I would like it to be the end, as you said! It was the line about thin skins that made me know I had to reply – I have the thinnest skin of anyone in the entire world (working on making it thicker!). I just wanted to say that I am sorry for causing you sadness. I read your post and – like the commenter above – it made me uncomfortable and hit a very raw nerve with me. Yes, it was a controversial post, but I should have taken the time to realise that there was another mum, just like me, behind it. Mums are so hard on each other, and so judgemental , and I hate that. I didn’t consider, in responding to your post, that I was being just as judgemental as the mothers I feel afraid of! I saw it as words. I didn’t see the person behind it. Again, I’m sorry to have made you sad. Us mums need to stick together because it can be a tough gig, despite all the wondrousness it brings. I hope any assumptions you make about me will be mitigated by reading my other blog – http://misscackle.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/the-kindness-of-strangers.html.
Kate
Thanks girls. Upon reflection I think my skin was particularly thin yesterday due to other factors. Apology totally accepted Kate. Thank you for taking the time to explain. I appreciate it.
You’re right, we need to stick together. And I can understand why my blog got people’s backs up. The last thing they want is miserable kids with complexes about their bodies.
dont let it get 2 u… u had plenty of supporters too… & those that know u, know thats not the only thing about u… i want to know y any parent wld NOT want their child to look & b healthy, fit, & lets say ‘of a normal weight’… r those getting angry actually angry at themselves coz they have fat kids???? lol
God getting published on Mamamia looks like a harrowing experience! I couldn’t manage to get through all the comments. I too have looked at my daughters and thought how lucky we were to not be dealing with weight issues. I would hate to be trying to do the balancing act between encouraging exercise and eating right and avoiding creating an issue over food! They’ve got genetics on their side their father and his family are thin … I too was once stick-insect-thin … until the baby fat crept on. Although as I send the baby off to highschool next year I’m probably going to have give that up as the excuse. My daughters have friends who have been bullied because of their weight and it makes you want to cry for them. On the other hand good luck in the new job.
The bullying is scary. I know back when I was a teenager, a friend ended up bulimic after all the “chubby” jibes.
The take-home lesson I get from this saga is that Mamamia seems not to be a place for grown-up discussion, in no small part due to the way a post such as this, about children and weight issues, would have been promoted as a source of conflict not a source of reflection.
Mums I meet in real life are unbelievably generous to one another, supportive even when they *don’t* understand what’s going on in another mother’s life, empathic, enthusiastic to share the names of cookbooks and therapists and the locations of great playgrounds and family-friendly eating places. Not all of them. But the vast majority of them.
There’s something deeply insidious (and destructive to community) about the media’s interest in seeking to create conflict amongst mothers, rather than supporting them in their various challenges.
Now: I’m off to make those ginger muffins I saw in another post…. (thanks for sharing!)
Thanks for the support Elissa and good luck with the muffins.