Dirty laundry

The problem with blubbering on your blog about being down is that everyone goes on suicide watch. Long after you’ve hauled yourself out of your hole of self pity, people keep giving you concerned looks, patting your arm, asking if you’d like to talk about it.

No, I would not like to talk about it. I am repressed and only capable of expressing my emotions in written form, via the blog, which can then be read by anyone who happens to stumble across it. It’s a sad reflection on me and society but, hey, it gets me through the day.

On Friday I wrote a bleak blog post about being a crumbling, aimless mess. On Sunday, I’m feeling slightly more balanced about being a crumbling, aimless mess. But the bleak blog is still out there, floating in the ether.

Husband got quite cross about the blog. He happened to read it on the bus when he was coming home from work. I hadn’t mentioned I was feeling down, so it came as a surprise. And not a pleasant one.

Husband’s way of dealing with me being down – ie by getting cross – isn’t ideal. But he’s been riding the rollercoaster of my emotions for so long that fatigue has set in, so I understand his frustration.

He started talking about shipping me off to a counsellor. Blah. I don’t need a counsellor, I need a purpose. I was going to say “and a plastic surgeon” but that would be terribly shallow, so I won’t.

To get myself in the right frame of mind for a purpose, I’m finally getting serious about fixing my diet. Carbs and sugar make my brain miz. They make my guts miz too. They must go.

A little less wine (and whine) might help as well.

Deep breath.

I can do this.

Being 44 isn’t the end of the world. It can be a whole new planet.

As George Bernard Shaw said (via my friend Fiona, via Facebook): “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself.”

I still have so many ideas, my brain turns into a spinning, sparking Catherine Wheel sometimes. 

My dreams haven’t died. They’re just buried under dirty laundry.

It’s time to dig them out.


9 thoughts on “Dirty laundry

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  1. Yes losing yr purpose is a big one and I relate to you dear. It’s really hard to find yr mojo when it’s sitting in a whole lot of different places and u can’t be bothered to pick up yr sorry ass to unearth it from them all (if that makes sense). Just In case u want a mental pick me up, I blogged about this new online tool called mycompass a few days ago. I’ve been giving it a go to see if it brings me a bit more sunshine as I’ve been dealing with my own version of a midlife crises. I only did one session and i felt better. I think the idea of a computer telling me where I as at emotionally was enough to kickstart me into getting out of my funk. Anyway the post is called ‘when a Bex and a lie down just won’t do.’ I’m at http://www.bachelormumstyle.blogspot.com.au. I probably own the most ugliest blog site out there but don’t let it put u off.

  2. I hear ya! I worked out that what I probably missed most about being young was the feeling and excitement of, ‘I will be even better tomorrow’. I couple of years ago I decided to train myself to think that way again. It takes a bit of effort (and I still have relapses), but when that feeling is back it really… wakes you up! (I love the painting you have on this blog. Where did you find it?)

      1. Wow! I’m famous! (Well via your blog, via facebook, via George Bernard Shaw)…. but I do love that quote!
        Keep creating, and being honest and in the moment Alana. Here’s another one, via facebook, via Miranda Kerr, “I came here to be me.” Yep. She says it everyday apparently, according to the book she’s flogging. I love this idea. I came here to be me as well. Everyday I do a better and better job of being me, with the plethora of emotions and thoughts that pass through my head/heart/life. I don’t have to take every thought or emotion as seriously as I used to. (Now that’s something that is great about being in my 40s). I know that they will pass. Whatever it is, I can say “This too will pass.”. So be you. It’s what you are here to do. Besides, everyone else is already taken.

  3. That painting is fantastic, my mum agrees. We were debating whether a child could have come up with those colours, and that shading and composition.

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