Before the money ran out

I’m taking the Sprogs on a road trip during the school holidays. Our last road trip took place in far more exotic locales: France and Spain. That was before the money ran out. This time we’re off to Canberra, Albury and Melbourne to sleep in people’s spare bedrooms.

While driving across France and Spain, I was determined to keep blogging – despite only 14 people reading my blood, sweat and tears each day – and wrote a post called “32 Things That Make Holiday Blogging Hard” about how difficult it was to keep up electronic appearances (for 14 people). I’m hoping the Australian countryside will more forgiving. And you too, my dear readers.

So I thought I’d revisit some of the reasons that blogging from the passenger seat and banana lounge (or in this case, the recliner in front of an open fire … she fantasises) isn’t easy, because I’m far too busy packing to be fresh and creative today:

1. Six-hour car trips where nothing entertaining happens except service station attendants trying to flog you 2-for-1 bottles of wine instead of 2-for-1 Kit-Kats.

2. Smeary touch screen on iPad requiring one-fingered guess-typing while being held at strange angles to escape the glaring Mediterranean sun.

3. Sprogs being hungry.

4. Sprogs being thirsty.

5. Sprogs wanting to wee.

6. Sprogs saying they’re bored.

7. Sprogs needing help with jigsaw puzzles.

8. Sprog needing bum wiped.

9. Realizing iPad word corrector function has changed every spelling of “Sprog” in blog to “Sprig”.

10. Going to bed at the same time as the Sprogs every night due to inconveniently late continental dining hours.

11. Waking up late & fuzzy every morning due to conveniently relaxed continental drinking habits.

12. Frantically seeking inspiration for blog with hangover and time-pressure of hungry/thirsty/bladder-bursting/bored Sprogs emerging from bed at any moment.

13. Sprog 2 falling out of bed, smashing her head on the bedside table and screaming the place down.

14. Consuming mounds of yummy cheese, fresh baguettes, cold cuts etc over long, leisurely breakfasts and lunches every day.

15. Husband’s resentment of time spent blogging while on family holiday.

16. Lazing on the beach for hours – water perfect temperature, sun not burny on pale, red-headed skin – where the only amusing, blog-worthy sights are the mahogany-hued Eurotrash sunning themselves to an early grave. Actually, no, they’re tragic.

17. Eating paella and guzzling vino rosado all night.

18. All the fabulous, exotic shops still being open at 10.30pm.

19. No wi-fi.

20. No sign of a fabulous, exotic shop selling sim cards to access wi-fi.

21. Constant undie washing due to inexplicably packing only four pairs per Sprog (often all used in a single day).

22. Awesome sightseeing: Enormous, rocky outcrop soaring out of the water in Calpe (pic above), castle inside mountain at Guadalest, ancient ruins dotting the hillsides, quaint seaside villages …

23. Husband demanding iPad back so he can write serious weekly business column.

24. Sporadic access to Diet Coke.

25. iPad only allowing invisible typing in the “new post” section of my site, requiring blog to be typed into a page document first, transferred over into invisibility, then published on a wing and a prayer.

26. Sympathy retching as Sprog 1 spews her guts up in the rental car, completely missing the plastic bag provided by her mother, but copiously hitting her t-shirt, shorts, hair, seatbelt, stuffed monkey and booster seat.

27. Speculating as to whether it was the Fartons, palm-oil fried crackers, bananas, a virus or just garden-variety car sickness that lead to the fountain of spew. [It turned out to be a UTI, she started pissing blood the next morning.]

28. The smell of banana-scented vomit still drifting through the car despite Husband’s best attempts to clean it up (me being too busy sympathy-retching to assist).

29. Getting distracted by the ladies-of-the-day on the roadsides, plying their wares in bikinis in the 30 degree afternoon heat. [What was I thinking? That would have made an awesome blog.]

30. Husband frequently veering across freeway while turning to talk to the Sprogs/fiddle with his iTunes playlist/adjust the radio/check the GPS is working.

31. Arriving at former-ancient-farmhouse-now-fancy-hotel-hugely-discounted-on-bookings.com to find it has an inviting swimming pool overlooking lush Spanish countryside and a 2010-rated Michelin restaurant that still retains much of it’s former glory, plus entertaining desserts described as “honey crispy killed” in the English translation on the menu. [Then discovering Sprog 1 was pissing blood and spending anxious hours trying to hunt down a hospital while not speaking Spanish and none of the hotel staff speaking English. That was fun.]

32. Being too technically incompetent to cut and paste on a iPad and therefore being restricted to my initial, rambling order of “things that make holiday blogging hard”. [Can’t even manage it now on the home computer. I am officially useless with technology.]