Most people get browner as their holiday progresses. I’m getting paler. I started out a lovely continental colour, but I’m returning to a shade that Stuart Keats, a boy I quite fancied in high school, once described as a “sock tan”. My fake glow is inelegantly fading as we approach warmer climes. I have two white patches on my inner thighs, one milky shoulder and vivid spots on each knee. My feet remain Kamahl colored. Fortunately, I know no-one on the ship aside from my family, so I am content for my fellow passengers to think I have some terrible skin disease. They possess a similarly relaxed attitude to their bodies, going by the contestants in The Sexiest Man In The World Contest, held poolside at lunch yesterday (great shrimp curry at the buffet). I fully expected zero entrants, but blokes were queuing up to be judged/humiliated by three old ducks from Adelaide, Hobart and Sydney who held up little paddles like on Dancing With The Stars. There were a couple of gym junkies in the mix, but the majority were budgie-smuggler-wearing fellas who’d spent 40 to 50 years working on their impressive beer bellies. They waggled their hips, jiggled their man boobies and lap-danced the grannies to the tune of I’m Sexy And I Know It, while the crowd hooted and chortled and Bobby the cruise director bantered gamely. I was disappointed to be dragged away when Sprog 2 melted down after a tsunami-style wave skittled her in the pool (the seas continue to be a tad rough) (fortunately a lethal scotch and Diet Coke from the pool bar softened the blow … for me … for around three hours … whoa … Sprog 2 made do with a strawberry soft-serve). Back to my tan … My fake-tanner friend furnished me with rubber gloves and a can of tanning mousse for the trip but I think I’ve let things deteriorate too far. If I mousse now I’ll look like a reverse choc-chip bikkie. Sigh. The challenges you face while on exotic holiday … On the bright side, we’re finally hitting dry land this arvo. Tahiti! I wonder if there’ll be an Internet cafe?
Day 10: sexiest man in the world
housegoeshome 
I assumed all cruise ships of this, uh, level would come equipped with an on-board spray-tannery. And if there isn’t one, surely that’s a gap in the market waiting to be exploited, if anyone could stomach the job.
Scrub, scrub, scrub using face cloth, no soap and then scrub again whilst drying. Repeat if necessary. Place gloves on hands and mouse away. Sleep with on for up to 8 hours, wash lightly in morning. Gentle glow will appear xxx