Poking the bear

As DD and I settled into our plane seats on Sunday we were completely unprepared for the turbulence that would follow … before we even took off.

Everyone had boarded our flight, but there was a slight delay in pushing back, so DD and I started scrolling on our phones while we waited.

I was in the middle seat, he had the window seat and I remember sensing slight agitation from the middle-aged woman sitting beside me in the aisle seat.

But I continued to scroll while plane was tethered to the terminal.

Suddenly, the woman started abusing us for being on our phones, insisting it had been announced twice that they should be switched to Aeroplane Mode.

Somehow we’d missed that … and the plane hadn’t moved a millimetre … so big woop.

The woman’s face twisted with rage as I gave her an are-you-for-real? smile and said I didn’t think there was an issue because the plane hadn’t detached from the aerobridge yet.

She started raving about how badly we were behaving, threatened to call the cabin crew for assistance and berated us for being so uncaring when she was a nervous flyer.

Ah. Right.

I am also a nervous flyer. Taking off terrifies me. Turbulence terrifies me.

I almost had a breakdown on the runway in Queenstown when the pilot announced the plane was too heavy to take off, so they’d need to offload 500kg of cargo to get airborne.

I was petrified that we would die if they’d miscalculated – what if it was actually 510kg of cargo they needed to offload?

But did I start abusing other passengers? No. I quietly hyperventilated and clutched DD’s hand so tightly I almost broke bones.

I also have a very strong sense of right and wrong and am a rule follower. I spend half my time with DD freaking out if he doesn’t use his indicator when changing lanes or crosses the road when the Do Not Walk sign is on. I feel the same way about Aeroplane Mode.

And I’m an empathetic person. I lie awake worrying about things I said 40 years ago that may have hurt someone’s feelings.

So I would normally be very sympathetic to someone freaking out about flying.

But I took an instant dislike to ranty woman and my empathy deserted me. I went back to my scrolling and ignored her as she started telling me off for smiling at her “like that”.

When the announcement was made that we were pushing back, DD and I switched our phones to Airplane Mode and rolled our eyes at each other.

Then the crew started doing the safety briefing. I glanced over and saw ranty woman wasn’t paying the slightest bit of attention – she was casually reading her Qantas magazine.

This irritated me.

Shouldn’t someone so focused on following the cabin crew’s instructions be watching the safety demonstration?

I couldn’t help myself, I lent over and said: “The crew are giving the safety demonstration.”

She looked up and was momentarily confused by what I’d said, before realising I was winding her up.

That’s when she went nuclear and started making a scene, yelling to the crew that I was being rude to her.

The stewardess’ face twitched as she tried to keep her expression neutral while demonstrating how to tighten our seatbelts.

The next thing I knew the cabin crew manager and stewardess were hovering over us, asking if we were OK to fly.

They offered to separate us and the woman shouted that she wasn’t moving anywhere.

I belatedly realised I didn’t want to star in the menopausal version of those viral videos of drunken brawls on Jetstar flights from Bali.

So I didn’t speak to her or even glance in her direction for the rest of the flight and lent as far away as is humanly possible in a Qantas economy domestic seat.

I may have quietly muttered the “C” word under my breath and prayed for a little turbulence for the first time in my life, but there was hardly any – dammit – and we arrived in Sydney without further dramas.

Although I did get a lecture from DD on the way home about not engaging with loonies.

Yeah, nah. If I had my time over I’d still poke that bear.

And I’ve read up on Airplane Mode, just in case the opportunity arises.

There have been exactly zero confirmed cases of airplanes crashing due to interference from mobile phones. Switching your phone to Airplane Mode prevents it from searching for ground signals, which can cause audio interference for pilots and drain your battery, but it doesn’t prevent planes from crashing.

Studies have found that up to 30% of passengers accidentally leave electronic devices on – ie not in airplane mode – during flights. So who knows how many other rogue devices were on board our plane.

And don’t get me started on the chances of scrolling causing a plane to crash while it’s still stationary at the terminal with its engine switched off.

Less than zero.

FFS.

Song of the day: Icehouse “I can’t help myself”