Coping with the loss

I’m going flat hunting with the eldest tomorrow in Melbourne.

And, I can’t quite believe I’m saying this, but I’m a bit scared. I don’t think I’ve ever hired a car on my own before and I’ve never driven in Melbourne.

I know. I’m 56. What have I been doing with my life?

I am particularly scared of hook turns and must avoid them at all cost. Actually, the whole process of driving the car out of the airport carpark in the dark and negotiating my way across to the other side of the city – where we are staying with the eldest’s aunt and uncle – petrifies me.

Deep breaths.

I’m also a little freaked out that I am taking such concrete steps to move the eldest to another city, one far enough away that we might only see each other a couple of times a year.

So weird after spending almost every day together for 21 years.

I’ve had this nagging feeling/fear since the eldest was in his early teens that he was politely and patiently waiting to disappear from my life.

I’m pretty sure it’s an irrational fear. But it hasn’t helped that the youngest raced off at age 17 to start an independent life.

Does it mean I’m a crap mother if my kids are so eager to leave?

A local Facebook group featured an anonymous post this week from a mum who was asking for suggestions on psychologists to help her with the grieving process over her child becoming an adult.

It sounds melodramatic, but I understand what she’s going through.

It’s hard to recalibrate from actively mothering to simply being someone’s mother.

Although I did get to do some active mothering last night when both kids were home, which rarely happens.

I prepared a feast of homemade tabbouleh, with roast lemon and garlic chicken, koftas, dips and grilled haloumi.

Nom, nom.

Then the youngest and I watched Netflix together until I reluctantly left the couch to pack for today’s trip.

We’re just taking cabin luggage, on Jetstar, so I’ve packed a micro-capsule wardrobe of navy items, plus a swimsuit for a dip in my ex-sister-in-law’s pool as it’s predicted to be a damn hot weekend in Melbourne.

Fingers crossed the eldest and I find a suitable apartment on a very tight budget.

And wish me luck with the scary driving.

Have a great weekend.

Song of the day: The Communards “Don’t leave me this way”