Not funny

I went on a comedy cruise last weekend …and the ship caught on fire.

No. Joke.

It made international headlines.

My life regularly resembles a season cliffhanger of Home And Away, so I wasn’t surprised to see flames shooting from the side of the ship.

What was I doing on a comedy cruise in the first place? I went drunk shopping a few months ago and bought tickets for three-nights aboard the Pacific Adventure.

The ship departed Sydney on Saturday afternoon and things got crazy before we’d even gone out through the heads.

We gasped in awe as we passed under Sydney Harbour Bridge with mere metres to spare.

Then we gawped as we motored past Sydney Opera House towards the open sea. I was so dazzled by the view that I couldn’t resist posting a few shots on Instagram.

My friend Kirsten messaged me asking: “Just wondering exactly where you are??”

I replied: “You will be horrified – we’re on a comedy cruise.”

And she said: “Ummmmm … so are we.”

Yup. Unbeknownst to each other we’d booked cabins on the same cruise. What are the odds of that?

Similar to the odds of your cruise ship catching fire?

Anyways, after dinner and a show, DD and I retired to our cabin and fell into a deep sleep, only to be awakened by a piercing alarm at 3am. It was followed by a slightly hysterical loud speaker announcement that first aid was required on deck 10.

The frantic calls for assistance continued for a few minutes until the Captain arrived on the bridge and calmly announced that there was no need to panic, but a balcony on deck 10 was on fire.

DD and I bolted naked onto our balcony for a stickybeak and saw a balcony about a dozen cabins away was fully ablaze.

Next thing we knew the Captain was telling everyone to get dressed, grab their life jackets and head to their muster stations.

Our muster point was the overcrowded casino. There weren’t enough seats at the pokies, so we spent the next two hours lying under a blackjack table, repurposing our life jackets as pillows.

It was bulk fun.

No it wasn’t.

The flames were eventually extinguished, but we weren’t allowed to return to our beds until all passengers had been accounted for.

A crew member on the loud speaker kept calling for Luke Mangan to report for ID scanning.

I thought it was a funny coincidence that a passenger was called Luke Mangan when there was a Luke Mangan restaurant on the ship.

I also wished Luke would bloody hurry up and report to the crew so we could go back to bed.

The next night our friends went to the Luke Mangan restaurant and this happened …

Yep, it was THE Luke Mangan who’d gone AWOL from the casino.

He even poured my friends’ Champagne for them. So they’ve forgiven him even if I’m still holding a grudge.

On Sunday morning my sister sent me a video of the fire that someone had sent to Channel 9 and asked: “Is this your ship??”

Yep.

She replied: “It could only happen to you!!”

Uh-huh!

The fiery footage has since gone global and it’s been fascinating to read the news reports, which have ranged from “small fire breaks out at sea” to “terror on cruise ship”.

The only terror was in the voice of the poor young bloke who’d been left in charge of the bridge for the night. He’d probably been thinking he’d earn some easy overtime, but instead found himself coordinating an emergency response while simultaneously hyperventilating and wishing the Captain would hurry the fark up.

Our friends, who have been on 10 previous sailings, have never had an emergency muster before.

Welcome to my world.

According to The Mirror, fires on cruises are “very rare”, with just 72 reported between 1990 and 2011.

The crew were very tight lipped about what caused the fire. My theory is some dimwit pulled a fabric chair onto the balcony and drunkenly dropped a cigarette on it.

There was much illicit smoking on the ship. I watched cigarette embers rain down on our balcony from above despite it being banned. Lucky we weren’t out there when they were ashing.

As for the for the rest of our cruise, it was surprisingly calm, balmy and fun. The sunsets were gorgeous and it was bliss to have zero responsibilities for a few days.

Despite being late May, it was so warm that people were sunbaking in cossies on Monday as we cruised past Port Macquarie.

Sadly, the food was pretty average, aside from our last night, when we paid extra for dinner at 400 Gradi, which is a famous Melbourne pizza joint.

I went to the Indian counter at the food court for lunch one day and asked what the white stuff with lumps in it was. The serving person told me it was chicken korma.

It didn’t resemble any chicken korma I’ve previously consumed and tasted like someone had forgotten to add the spice paste.

We had dinner at the Asian restaurant – Dragon Lady – one night and it was unremarkable verging on blergh.

However, our friends reckon the Luke Mangan restaurant served the best food they’ve ever eaten at sea and was even on par with great meals they’ve had on land . Damn.

The entertainment was a little uneven too, some of the comedians didn’t grab us, but we loved the headline act – Bob Downe – who led a full theatre in a joyous rendition of Sweet Caroline and had us cackling over how inappropriate song lyrics were in the 1970s. We also enjoyed an amazing magician called James Galea who has been on heaps of US and Aussie TV shows.

Overall, the cruise was bloody good value at $350 per person for a balcony cabin and three meals a day.

And it was great to catch up with our friends for leisurely afternoon drinks on deck.

Getting up super early to be on deck while the ship cruised back into Sydney Harbour was pretty stunning too.

We docked at the Overseas Passenger Terminal at 6.30am on Tuesday morning and I was very excited to only have to walk two blocks up the hill to work … until I remembered I’d left my laptop at home.

Dammit.

Cue a taxi ride home and a bus back into the city.

It was surreal to gaze out of the window beside my desk, see the cruise ship docked there and think “I was sailing on that this morning!”

Would I go on another comedy cruise? Probably not. While the fire didn’t faze us, we didn’t love the noisy crowds. A ship with 2600 passengers is probably a few thousand too many for us.

But we’ve decided we’re definitely cruise fans … stay tuned for our next adventure at sea …

Song of the day: Bruce Springsteen “I’m on fire”