I hope he’s loved

I was sitting in a CRM presentation yesterday when I saw the date on the computer screen and realised Oh! It’s my wedding anniversary!

Forgetting your wedding anniversary is no biggie when your husband walked out five years ago. But I couldn’t help doing the maths and noting it was our 19th wedding anniversary … since we’re still married.

I know, I know, I need to sort out the still-being-married thing, but life keeps throwing me curve balls and I haven’t gotten around to it.

Remembering my wedding anniversary also swept me back to May 20, 2000.

I’d been with my partner for almost 10 years when we finally tied the knot. I wasn’t interested in tradition, I just wanted a big party.

I decreed there would be no frothy wedding dress, no wedding cake, no wedding cars, no bridesmaids, no sit-down meal and definitely no wedding video.

I also didn’t want to get married in a daggy sailing club or suburban hall, so I booked a stark, white photographic studio on Broadway.

The dress was a shimmery salmon number from Collette Dinnigan, the shoes were from Gucci.

Our favourite band – Karma County – serenaded me with their song Oleanna as I walked down the “aisle”.

I gave a wedding speech paying tribute to my husband, saying: “We’re lucky enough to love each other more every year. I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather spend the rest of my life with. When I’m with him, he makes me feel like the most beautiful, talented, smart, funny woman in the world.”

Awwwwww!

I may also have mentioned how much it annoyed me that he left toenail clippings lying around the house, but let’s gloss over that bit …

Waiters circulated the room with champagne and little boxes of fish and chips.

Karma County left and a DJ took over. We danced and danced. We discovered another party upstairs and crashed it. There was more dancing.

The next day, we flew to the Seychelles for our honeymoon.

It sounds so lovely, doesn’t it, like we got our fairytale ending?

I was determined to make sure everything looked just right that night.

I’m not saying it was all pretence. We cared deeply about each other … so deeply that there’s still care left, even now. But our love wasn’t strong enough to survive the tough stuff that followed in our life.

And I wasn’t brave enough to call it when my heart knew something was missing.

I stayed in the marriage for the kids. And I looked after my husband in lieu of loving him.

The years dragged on until the day arrived when my husband couldn’t bear just being looked after any longer.

Enough water has passed under our post-separation bridge that I truly mean it when I say I hope he’s being loved now.

Being loved is beyond awesome.

And I really need to get a divorce.

Song of the day: Roxy Music “Love is the drug”