Entering the danger zone

Welcome to 50 … an invitation to get a free mammogram has joined my free bowel cancer test on my kitchen bench.

I’m really not looking forward to tackling either of them. At all.

Aside from entering the danger zone for various forms of cancer, other unfortunate side effects of ageing that I’m battling include everything being out of focus on my phone for the first 10 minutes after I wake up; not being able to hear a word anyone says on my phone if I’m not somewhere deadly quiet; still having the sniffles almost two weeks after first falling ill; and having even less tolerance than usual for wowsers.

I was accused this week on Facebook of scraping for data with a meme I innocently posted …

(I’m Maree Kway Teow, DD is Everett Roti … I think we make quite the stealthy couple.)

The wowser bloke commented: “Another way of someone finding out more information about you.”

Eye roll.

I replied: “There’s also a conspiracy theory going around that Australia doesn’t exist.”

He’s gone quiet … for now …

I’m about to tangent waaaaaay off topic … Yep! There really is a conspiracy theory that Australia doesn’t exist.

Bwahahaha.

More than 20,000 people have shared the Facebook status, which was written by Shelley Floryd and offers multiple theories as to how Australia is actually “one of the biggest hoaxes ever created.”

She writes: “Australia is not real. It’s a hoax, made for us to believe that Britain moved over their criminals to someplace. In reality, all these criminals were loaded off the ships into the waters, drowning before they could see land ever again. It’s a coverup for one of the greatest mass murders in history, made by one of the most prominent empires.

“Australia does not exist. All things you call “proof” are actually well fabricated lies and documents made by the leading governments of the world. Your Australian friends? They’re all actors and computer generated personas, part of the plot to trick the world.

“If you think you’ve ever been to Australia, you’re terribly wrong. The plane pilots are all in on this, and have in all actuality only flown you to islands close nearby – or in some cases, parts of South America, where they have cleared space and hired actors to act out as real Australians.

“Australia is one of the biggest hoaxes ever created, and you have all been tricked. Join the movement today, and make it known that they have been deceived. Make it known, that this has all just been a cover-up. The things these “Australian” says to be doing, all these swear words and actions based on alcoholism, MDMA and bad decisions, are all ways to distract you from the ugly truth that is one of the greatest genocides in history. 162,000 people was said to have been transported to this imaginary land during a mere 80 years, and they are all long dead by now. They never reached that promised land.

“Tell the truth. Stand up for what is right. Make sure to spread the world – Australia is not real. It’s a codeword for the cold blooded murder of more than a hundred thousand people, and it is not okay. We will not, accept this.

“Stand up for the ones who died. Let it be known, that Australia does not exist.”

She may be joking … must be joking … surely she’s joking … but heaps of people actually believe it. FFS.

OK, back on topic. Sort of. Tenuously.

One thing I don’t have to worry about at 50 – other than not existing – is The Mosquito Alarm.

Have you heard of The Mosquito Alarm?

It’s a sonic device created by former British Aerospace engineer Howard Stapleton that can only be heard by people under the age of 25. He was inspired to invent it after they teenagers living next door to him refused to stop playing basketball at 2am every morning.

Calls were made last month for a Scotland-wide ban on the alarms after a Scottish Government-commissioned research from by the Scottish Youth Parliament and Young Scot found that youngsters felt that the devices were “ageist” and “discriminatory”.

It revealed that 85% of youngsters who have been subjected to one of the Mosquito devices said it had left them in discomfort or had annoyed them. The alarms are frequently installed in public areas as an anti-loitering device.

But Simon Morris, one of the directors of Compound Security Systems, which markets it in the UK, said: “They can’t ban it. It is perfectly legal. People, like councils, could ban it on their own property, but that is different.

“We are parents ourselves, we don’t like making areas no-go areas. It’s like an old fashioned clip around the ear from a bobby on the beat when you were a lad and I was a lad. It’s a ‘hoy, come on, that’s enough that now and if you are not going to stop it we will take something further’.

“I mean the comment from the kids is that they are annoyed by it. Well, yes, that’s what it is designed to do. It is designed to be annoying. It is not designed to be painful.”

I’ve just remembered … I have something similiar plugged under my bed from when I thought the possum clomping around above me might be a rat. It emits some sort of wave that’s supposed to repel rodents. I had no idea someone had created one that repels teenaged pests.

Funny old world we live in.

Got any data I can scrape?

How good is this tweet?