Reality check

I am sooooooooo sick of being sick.

It’s been eight days now. Eight. Bloody. Days.

Literally.

My nose is bleeding because it just can’t take it any more.

Sigh.

I wake up each morning a little bit sicker rather than a little bit better. What’s THAT all about?

The kids have been terribly neglected on their school holidays … Although I get the impression the eldest would happily spend every waking moment parked on the sofa with her iPhone.

We’ve watched a lot of movies. Yesterday’s feature: The Truman Show. The youngest struggled with it a bit, she prefers Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura, much more straight forward.

I found The Truman Show quite tragic: most of the audience thought there was nothing wrong with a man’s whole life being a farce for their entertainment.

Poor Truman.

I get that horrible moment when you finally realise everything has been a lie, then wonder who was in on it.

Truman didn’t know he was starring in a reality show. I don’t understand people who knowingly agree to be filmed at their most vulnerable moments.

Odd, really, when I write about mine for public consumption.

I wonder why I think that’s different. I suppose it’s because I have control over the process. People in reality shows don’t.

That said, I’ve found myself not wanting to share some of my recent posts on my personal Facebook page. It’s felt like too much information to unleash on people who are just wanting to trawl through their news feeds and see happy snaps of their friends’ latest holiday or puppy.

It makes me wonder if that means the posts themselves – as I’ve sometimes been told by concerned friends – are “too much.”

I hope not, as I’ve … what’s the word? “Enjoyed” doesn’t seem appropriate. But it’s been quite fulfilling to express myself.

Revealing my needs, wants, fears and frustrations isn’t my strength. I’m hopeless at it. I bottle things up and simmer with hidden resentment. I expect people to just know they’ve disappointed or upset me and do something about it without being told.

At one point, I decided it was easier to expect nothing from people because then they couldn’t let me down.

Which is a bit daft really. And it didn’t work out that well for me.

I’ve realised it’s much better to open your heart.

Sure, it might get hurt, but you’re also more open to the world and how lovely people can be.

And more often than not they will be there for you when you need them.

Song of the day: PHD “I won’t let you down”

 

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10 thoughts on “Reality check

  1. I dont remember ever seeing that film clip for todays attched song… but i knew every word… dont remember the band either… but im going to go add it to my youtube list!!

  2. What a freaky co-incidence?! Hollywood lights for a Ph.D! (the gf has a Doctorate!)

    Nice post, Alana, but get thee to thine MD…8 days is waaay too long to be that sick! What is it with you being sick and not seeing a doctor? 😡

  3. Hugs, being sick sucks and it can really change your mood! I rarely share my writing on my own personal page, partly because I figure those friends who want to read it can like my page and see it there and partly because some of it (like today’s) can be pretty full on and even though I put it out there I am kind of a little bit not embarrassed but I can’t think of the word I want to use to describe how it feels knowing that people I know in real life will actually read what I write.

    Like I would be quite happy if my mum doesn’t read today’s post mainly because she will want to talk about it and fix it and there is really nothing she can do.

  4. I love your blog, and I love reading your posts. I admire your honesty, and your ability to write between the lines as well. Good journalism 🙂 There are times when I want to comment, but I feel the comment is too personal to put here, so I wait for the post to appear on your own FB page. And sometimes it doesn’t. And now I know why.

    And here’s the thing: wherever you post it, it’s a link. People don’t have to click through, and if they do that’s their choice and they can just suck it up if it wasn’t what they wanted. Get better, and I agree with Geoff – go see a doctor

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