When your heart starts beating again


The eldest’s favourite movie is a zombie flick called Warm Bodies. She was devastated when she thought we’d lost it in the house move.

Her eyes went wide with delight when I rediscovered it last night, while flicking through our extensive DVD collection for something we could corpse in front of the tellie and watch …

Oh, I’m such a card.

(I’m a little embarrassed to say the youngest was watching Warm Bodies when she was seven … it is NOT a kids’ movie. WHAT was I thinking??)

Rotten Tomatoes is quite complimentary about Warm Bodies, describing it as “a sweet, well-acted spin on a genre that all too often lives down to its brain-dead protagonists.”

It tells the story of a zombie named R who’s succumbed to a terrible plague that left the planet’s population divided between the living dead and humans. But, when he rescues and starts to love with a woman named Julie he slowly becomes more and more human again.

As I sat there watching the happy ending, I realised I related to R. I was lifeless like him for so many years. My limited emotion was channelled into loving my kids. Everything else felt a bit John Cougar Mellencamp “life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.”

That sounds horrible, I know, but it was painfully true.

I mean, I wrote whole blog posts about not knowing whether I was happy or not.

Tip: if you’re not sure, you’re not.

I’d also write about how I was really looking forward to going to the pub for a friend’s birthday, noting it was “proof that I’m not depressed, just ‘low-mood’ … So there, Husband!”

So, obviously my husband was hassling me about my mental state. Not very forcefully. And I’d stopped really listening anyway.


After we separated, he told me we’d become the antithesis of that iconic scene in Avatar, when Neytiri holds the disabled Jake in his human form, looks into his eyes and says: “I see you.”

As Jay Michelson of the Huffington Post explains:

In the Na’Vi cosmology, what’s really happening is the Ai’Wa in me is connecting with the Ai’Wa in you. This is echoed in their greeting, “I see you,” a direct translation of the Sanskrit Namaste, which means the same thing. (“Avatar” is also from the Sanskrit, though the film plays on the word’s two meanings of an image used in a role-playing game, and a deity appearing on Earth.) As the Na’Vi explain in the film, though, “I see you” doesn’t mean ordinary seeing – it, like Namaste, really means “the God in me sees the God in you.” I see Myself, in your eyes.

My husband and I had stopped “seeing” each other. We just coexisted.

Like R, my heart started beating again when I emerged from the devastation of my marriage breakdown and resumed emotional contact with the world.

Sure, my moods still swing low, but they swing high with much more frequency.

When I walk down the street, a smile invariably steals across my face, as I contemplate all the good stuff in my life.

And especially when I think about DD.

He’s like a gift that I get to open again and again.

I’m so very happy he’s in my life.

Tell me about a gift in your life. 

Song of the day: Elton John “Your song”


2 thoughts on “When your heart starts beating again

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