Dating rules in your 40s

While part of me is excited by the whole dating thing, I’m dreading it too.

The last time I dated was in 1992.

I’m so much older, wiser and saggier now.

Actually, I’m not wiser at all when there’s bubbly involved. I’m just older and saggier … and really pissed off that Husband waited until I had some serious wrinkles before tossing me back into the single pool.

I don’t think the older thing is so much of a problem for blokes. Chicks dig the old dudes. I’m not so sure it works the other way around.

Fortunately for me, Yahoo Shine disagrees:

“According to Snopes.com, the popular statement that a woman over age 40 has a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than of getting married is false. Whether or not you tie the knot at 40, 50 or 60, depends upon you. Never give up on yourself or love just because you aren’t in pigtails anymore. This magical feeling affects people of all ages regardless of the amount of wrinkles on their face.”

Still, I can’t imagine offering myself up to under 40-year-olds on RSVP, no matter how hot cougars are rumoured to be. As for the notion of getting married again … ewwwww, it kinda horrifies me.

Dinner and a movie with someone nice is about all I can handle right now.

Sadly, according to blogger at The Stir, I have bugger all hope on that front:

By the time you get into your 40s, if you have the misfortune to find yourself in the dating pool, let me just tell you: It’s a shit show. Sorry, maybe that was too harsh. I’ll tone it down a bit. It’s like being thrown in a serial killer’s basement well. Seriously, it is that bad. Let’s face it, there is some truth to the statement “All the good ones are taken.” That goes triple for guys in their 40s. If they were any good, they would be in relationships or married already.

She’s not bitter, nooooo.

As for the “rules” for dating in your 40s – if you actually manage to find someone non-serial-killery – eHarmony (which tricked me with the question “Are you single, divorced or separated” and rejected me when I went for the third option; seriously eHarmony? I’m not supposed to date for a year????) has this to say:

“It’s done. Dead. Over. Yes, we have now officially declared it … no more waiting “three days” after a date to contact your new love interest. We never liked that silly rule, anyways. If you had an amazing first date, text them the next day and let them know…”

Not buying it. Everyone I talk to seems to reckon you play games BIG TIME. I hate playing games. Boring.

eHarmony also says:

“Prepare to be Googled. Your dates are digging around in your past before they even shake your hand. If you were arrested 20 years ago at a protest, be prepared to talk about it. If your jazz group has a review in the local paper, your date may be humming one of your tunes. If your past is less than savory, be prepared to explain why you’ve changed.”

Oh geez, that’s a horror story. Google “Alana House” and you get waaaaaay more than you bargained for. I am doomed.

As for dating conversation, Yahoo Shine advises:

It’s likely you share some same experiences – divorce for instance – and it’s tempting to bond on this. Don’t! These are topics that will send you into negative and potentially unflattering discussion.

Hmmmm. Maybe I shouldn’t start dating quite yet since my favourite topic of conversation tends to be the latest transgressions of my ex. Although I do have a job as a travel writer now and everyone loves to travel, that might help me digress.

And let me offer a little personal advice from the merest toenail I’ve dipped in the waters of the singles pool: be aware of how social media networks operate. You’d think I’d be up on this stuff, since I work in the digital world, but I had no idea that people get a notification every time you view their Linked In profile. (Yes, yes, I know Linked In is supposed to be a business tool.) Hence viewing their Linked In profile six times in a day is NOT the best move, unless you want to look like a bunny boiler/stalker.

Ooops.

As for the person who suggested I try Tinder (and assured me it wasn’t a sex site) … it would have been handy to know that when you allow it to link to your Facebook page it will immediately upload a picture of you to its feed. And that picture may be you holding your child. And you may freak out.

When you finally, frantically work out how to remove your picture, you will look at the men on Tinder and freak out again. I can’t really describe it better than the hilarious Kerry Sackville, who revealed in an article in the SMH:

The men who post pictures of themselves with motorbikes, tigers or cars discount themselves immediately. And an extraordinary percentage of men on Tinder do post pictures of themselves with bikes, tigers or cars. I can only deduce that they think it is sexy and endearing. I can tell them right now that they are wrong.

In addition to the motorbikes, tigers and cars, there are other tableaus that do not win my swipe to the right. Shots of men pulling bongs (probably not good stepfather material), shots of men giving the finger to the camera (ditto), and even one memorable photo of a man posing with a bag over his head (which begs the question, “Why take a picture at all?”).

Some men post pictures of their children and not themselves which, unless you plan to date the kids, makes the decision process tough.

Then there are the men who post photos of themselves with women. Gorgeous women, usually, with big breasts and very few clothes, which obviously make me believe the man is handsome and desirable. Alternatively, there are the shots of men snuggling with normal-looking females who are clearly the ex-spouses of the now-alone Tinderites. This doesn’t make me believe that the man is utterly irresistible. It just makes me believe that he is a little bit sad.

So Tinder’s out for me too.

I’ve decided to go about things the old-fashioned way, which may mean I’m single for a VERY long time and will eventually need to Google “dating rules in your 50s” instead.

Song of the day: Simon & Garfunkel “Mrs Robinson” (one of the most awesome songs of all time!)