Blog and be damned

ernest-hemingway

HouseGoesHome – much as I love it – has come to symbolise the collapse of my marriage. Its birth coincided with a terrible turning point in my relationship.

I didn’t notice. I was busy trying to glue myself back together after my career, health and parenting took a beating.

I look back and realise the blog is filled with hints I didn’t see, posts I shouldn’t have written, simmering anger I didn’t fully comprehend. It’s become a permanent record of the time I spent tapping away in the study instead of doing something about my marital problems.

Recently, I’ve been bargaining with the universe, telling it I’d stop blogging in a heartbeat if it meant being a happy family again.

The way we were long, long ago.

But it’s not that simple.

Sometimes I think I should stop blogging anyway, without the promise of it making everything right.

Perhaps it’s better not to share my pain so publicly with the world.

As I mentioned in Throwing The Pie, plenty of people have urged me to stop.

When I revealed my concerns to an ex-colleague she suggested I keep blogging, but perhaps just “post recipes and happy cat pictures until you feel differently…”

Another friend suggested: “As much as I love reading your daily blog, I’m not sure that it’s the best thing for you and the girls to have your lives open for all to read – to be honest I think diaries can make us a bit self absorbed.”

On the other hand, a woman messaged saying:  “I hope you continue to write about what’s going on – I feel like it’s so important to see the true side of people’s lives, not just the social media highlights”

Last week, someone from my past stumbled across the blog; she’s caught in a bizarrely similiar hell and wanted to thank me for capturing a lot of how she’s been feeling.

Considering how much time I spend stalking Huffington Post Divorce I know where she’s coming from: my hunger for understanding and meaning is voracious.

I’ve made so many new friends and reconnected to so many old ones through HouseGoesHome.

And I love pouring my thoughts into daily posts. As much as the blog has hurt me – and my marriage – it’s helped me in many ways. It’s provided a centre to my day during years of tumult and heartache.

So I’m torn. And tormented. And tortured.

Just for a change.

Song of the day: Natalie Imbruglia “Torn”

 

 

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Blog and be damned

  1. Love, love, love that song and the video. Selfishly, as a reader, I’d love you to keep writing. But it has to be a positive experience for you – whether that ‘positive’ is therapy, a distraction, me-time or whatever. You don’t want the blog to become just another chore you have to face every day. But it sounds a bit like you’re being ‘torn’ by other people’s opinions, rather than your personal needs? Diaries can make you self absorbed – but so what? You’re not forcing anyone to read it, and it may do wonders for sorting your head out. And the ‘best thing’ for your kids is a happier mother. I’ve always loved your recipes though, so if you need to take a recipe blog break – go for it! Never happy cats though. Never. Best wishes 🙂

    • Thanks Lara. I really need to get back into the recipes. I’ve been cooking … just not photographing. Loving Jamie Oliver’s budget ones. As for the blog … we will see. I’m sticking with it for now.

  2. Please keep up writing your blog. It’s the first (and often only) one I look at each day. I love how honestly you write. Frankly, its compelling. I wish you all the happiness.

  3. It’s wonderful writing Alana – heartfelt. I understand your pain and thanks so much for taking us on your journey. Do what feels right for you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s