HouseGoesHome – much as I love it – has come to symbolise the collapse of my marriage. Its birth coincided with a terrible turning point in my relationship.
I didn’t notice. I was busy trying to glue myself back together after my career, health and parenting took a beating.
I look back and realise the blog is filled with hints I didn’t see, posts I shouldn’t have written, simmering anger I didn’t fully comprehend. It’s become a permanent record of the time I spent tapping away in the study instead of doing something about my marital problems.
Recently, I’ve been bargaining with the universe, telling it I’d stop blogging in a heartbeat if it meant being a happy family again.
The way we were long, long ago.
But it’s not that simple.
Sometimes I think I should stop blogging anyway, without the promise of it making everything right.
Perhaps it’s better not to share my pain so publicly with the world.
As I mentioned in Throwing The Pie, plenty of people have urged me to stop.
When I revealed my concerns to an ex-colleague she suggested I keep blogging, but perhaps just “post recipes and happy cat pictures until you feel differently…”
Another friend suggested: “As much as I love reading your daily blog, I’m not sure that it’s the best thing for you and the girls to have your lives open for all to read – to be honest I think diaries can make us a bit self absorbed.”
On the other hand, a woman messaged saying: “I hope you continue to write about what’s going on – I feel like it’s so important to see the true side of people’s lives, not just the social media highlights”
Last week, someone from my past stumbled across the blog; she’s caught in a bizarrely similiar hell and wanted to thank me for capturing a lot of how she’s been feeling.
Considering how much time I spend stalking Huffington Post Divorce I know where she’s coming from: my hunger for understanding and meaning is voracious.
I’ve made so many new friends and reconnected to so many old ones through HouseGoesHome.
And I love pouring my thoughts into daily posts. As much as the blog has hurt me – and my marriage – it’s helped me in many ways. It’s provided a centre to my day during years of tumult and heartache.
So I’m torn. And tormented. And tortured.
Just for a change.
Song of the day: Natalie Imbruglia “Torn”