The stuff of kids’ nightmares


You know how I’m ga-ga for David Duchovny? Just in case you’ve somehow missed this obsession, here’s a quick refresher: when the X-Files was the hottest thing on TV I got all gooey for David, who played the lead character. The fascination started as a teen and continued through my early twenties, to the point where the walls of my office at Cosmopolitan magazine were plastered with pictures of him.

And that’s when someone tipped off the editor of Woman’s Day that I was the Australian stalker who’d been sending him erotic jigsaw puzzles of herself. So the editor of Woman’s Day called me and asked if I wanted to sell her my story …

I swear it wasn’t me.

Anyway, David’s gotten me into trouble again.

I’ve introduced the kids to The X-Files and they LOVE it. Last Friday – while Husband was at work – we watched an episode where alien robots in the shape of cockroaches started killing people. One crawled into a cut on a teenager’s arm and ran around under his skin. It was really quite revolting. But the kids were enthralled, so I thought we were pretty safe from nightmares.

Meanwhile, I gazed lovingly at an extremely young and freaking gorgeous Fox Mulder as he attempted to seduce a scientist called Bambi …

So the next night – while Husband was at a conference – we watched an episode where a fungus was discovered in a volcano and it took over people’s bodies and eventually killed them, with a prong of spore shooting through their chests.

Scared the living bejesus out of the eldest, who wisely asked for it to be turned off and ran to her room in tears.

I felt sorry for the poor sprite, but also for myself – Husband was going to kill me if she had nightmares. His words “it’s not a kids’ show” were ringing in my ears.

So I hugged her and said it was probably best we didn’t watch any more X-Files episodes (damn, no more foxy Fox).

“Nooooooo,” wailed the eldest. “I love the X-Files.”

I explained they were obviously too scary. She suggested I watch them first to vet them. I explained I didn’t think that would work because how the hell was I supposed to pick what was going to freak her out – cockroaches crawling under skin no, volcano spores invading bodies yes.

At that moment, the babysitter knocked on the door. And I had to explain that one of the kids was too frightened to meet her right now because I’d shown her a scary TV show, but good luck with that … and off I sauntered to dinner with Husband.

The babysitter had called after me that she’d show the eldest something nice to cheer her up, like Cinderella.

We returned at 10pm to discover the babysitter had been talked into letting the kids watch Warm Bodies to cheer them up.

You know, the zombie movie …

A fun night was had by all apparently.

Go figure.

Husband has since steered the Sprogs away from horror by hiring The Princess Bride, but The X-Files subject is bound to rear its ugly head again soon.

And I think I’ll have to sacrifice my perving.

Husband is right. The X-Files isn’t a kids’ show.  Neither is Warm Bodies, but anyways …

Have you ever accidently scared your kids? 

PS Speaking of foxes … have you seen this hilarious clip called “What does the fox say?” Kids will definitely love this one (no nightmares, I promise) …



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