Wading through the murk so you don’t have to …
The Mag I Bought This Week Award Goes to …
Editing a celebrity magazine can be a scary business sometimes – ok, all the time. Because you can’t rely on Kristen Stewart to cheat on Rob Pattinson or Katie Holmes to stealth-divorce Tom Cruise every week. Some weeks, no-one famous does anything that’s even vaguely cover-worthy. Damn them. So you get desperate and put a photo of Bindi Irwin on the cover, hugging a wombat and “saying”: “My first Christmas Without Daddy”. (Yes, I actually did that once, I thought the wombat was hilarious. It was grinning. People should have stopped me. They tried, but I said, “No, no, the grinning wombat is AWESOME”.) And people look at the magazine and think: “That’s so depressing/bizarre/boring, I might buy something else with my $4 this week, like a donut”.
This week in Magland was a bit like that. So which magazine did I choose? Click through to my blog at Village Voices, called “Phantom babies, crazy diets and terrible mistakes” to find out …
http://blogs.kidspot.com.au/villagevoices/mags-this-week/
Total Recall a total failure?
Colin Farrell and a triple-boobed hooker couldn’t save the remake of Total Recall. While it took $26million on its opening weekend in the United States (it cost $125million to make), critics are not being kind about its box-office performance or merit.
Peter Travers of Rolling Stone wrote: “This Total Recall will make you feel robbed … It’s two hours you’ll never get back and every minute is a bad memory.”
According to The Huffington Post: “Adding insult to injury? “Total Recall” only opened to about $1 million more than the original “Total Recall” did in 1990 … Of course, the film wasn’t alone in its soft opening weekend: “Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days” opened with $14.7 million at the box office … The London Olympics and the Aurora movie theater shooting are presumed to be two reasons why ticket sales are down this year.”
Although there are some nutjobs out there who are convinced its all a big conspiracy. Imagine my eyes rolling when this popped up on my Facebook page …
I quite like this Facebook image though …
Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan co-stars?
It’s the farked up leading the farked up. The Huffington Post is reporting: “As if we need any more proof that the world is ending in 2012, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen have reportedly both signed on for Scary Movie 5.”
E!Online reckons Lindsay will play a part in the horror spoof, and although she has yet to officially sign the deal, it’s being generally acknowledged as a good move for her career.
Meanwhile, Charlie – despite being killed off in Scary Movie 4 – will reportedly be back for the fifth installment of the franchise.
Dlisted is predicting it will be: “a piece of cinematic mastery that will probably win all the Razzies”.
Elton calls Madonna a “fairground stripper”
Damn, I missed this little gem. Apparently Elton John gave an interview to Molly Meldrum where he described Madonna as “a fairground stripper” whose “career is over.”
“Why is she such a nightmare?” he asked Molly. “Her tour has been a disaster and it couldn’t happen to a bigger c***.”
I shouldn’t snigger.
Amanda Bynes involved in second hit and run
Sorry, I can’t say it better than Dlisted, so here it is verbatim (please don’t sue me, DListed): “Every driver in Los Angeles should just go ahead and cover their car in rubber bumpers and wear a helmet every time they drive, because if Lindsay Lohan’s stupid ass won’t crash into them, then Amanda Bynes’ stupid ass will. If you’re driving around L.A. and see Amanda Bynes or Lindsay Lohan driving behind you, pull over and pray to all the saints, because you’re in danger, girl. Case in point:
TMZ says that a woman named Kisa became the latest member of the Victims of Amanda Bynes Club yesterday afternoon when Amanda allegedly rear-ended her Toyota Corolla on Venture Blvd. Kisa says that after Amanda’s black BMW punched her Toyota, they both got out of their cars to see how serious the damage was. Kisa says that she didn’t recognize Amanda Bynes at first, because she “looked like a hot mess.” Um, here’s a little tip. If the bitch who just hit you looks like the kind of mess that can make thermometers explode, then it’s either Amanda Bynes or Blohan. Kisa went on to tell TMZ that there was damage to her Toyota’s bumper and a lot of damage to Amanda’s BMW. But Amanda told Kisa that the damage to her Toyota wasn’t that bad and that mess tried to push her bumper back into place.
When Kisa asked Amanda for her insurance information, that bitch got shifty and didn’t cough it up. When Kisa kept trying to get Amanda’s information, she said that they didn’t need to exchange info since the damage wasn’t that bad and then she jumped into her car and drove away. Kisa called the police, filed a hit and run report and here we are now.
In pre-school, there was this tricycle track in the school yard and my teacher gave us these fake tricycle drivers licenses with our pictures on them. Amanda doesn’t even deserve one of those! Bitch shouldn’t have any kind of license. What a dumb bitch and she’s an extra dumb bitch, because she didn’t even try to get the heat off of her by shouting, “I’m Lindsay Lohan, the cops know where to find me!” before running away. But whatever, Amanda doesn’t have shit to worry about. Because I’m sure that right at this very moment, President Obama is down at the police station declaring to the cops that he has officially pardoned Amanda Bynes of all future charges. I mean, Amanda IS his number one priority.”
PS If you’re struggling to remember who Amanda Bynes is, she’s starred in movies like She’s The Man, Easy A and Hairspray.
Kristen is smelly
Ohhhh, DListed is just too good at the moment, here’s his take on the latest turn in the Twilight saga: “Some source tells Radar that KStew is in the Sunset Plaza area, hiding out in the house of her producer friend Giovanni Agnelli (not to be confused withLapo Elkann’s grandpa). The source says that KStew has gone against nature and achieved the impossible by actually feeling real emotion. KStew is bawling, eating ice cream, bawling, eating ice cream and bawling some more, and she’s doing all of it far, far away from a shower.
“She is beyond mortified and humiliated and she is also broken hearted. She says she truly loved Rob. She says he was her soul mate, but she blew it and now she is scared that she has lost him forever. She is pretty much inconsolable.
Kristen hasn’t showered or changed or washed her hair in several days. She is laying around in her T-shirt and shorts and eating ice cream. She really wants to believe that she can win back Rob, but I think deep down she knows that isn’t the case.”
If who ever is in charge of KStew’s publicity shit leaked this, then they should’ve at least made it believable. KStew can’t cry and if she could cry out natural tears, she would only cry if her weed box was empty. Also, they should’ve said that KStew is so sad and confused that she accidentally wandered into a place she never goes, the shower, and did something she hardly ever does, clean her body with a sponge. Bitch’s heartbroken misery drove her to shower! Now, that would’ve been a story.
Also, KStew’s people should’ve just released this as her official statement on the whole thing …” Click here to see a hilarious video spoof of Kristen Stewart’s confession.
HOT PIC CLICKS
* “She’s actually watching the Olympics” says Taylor Swift of her cat (above), but the thing that fascinates me more is that Taylor still has my cliched idea of an American teenager’s bedroom, cute!
* Oh my giddy aunt! See Miranda Kerr completely starkers – in numerous oh-my-god poses, and from numerous oh-my-god angles here.
* Robert Pattinson spotted partying here.
* So sad: Brigette Neilson spotted drinking and passing out in a public park.
housegoeshome 
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