HouseGoesHollywood: Tom gets Suri, Arnie plays tonsil hockey, The Hoff turns 60

I’m wading through the murk so you don’t have to. Here are today’s juicy bits a la Housegoeshome …

WHAT WERE SOUTH AFRICAN MARIE CLAIRE THINKING?

Just in case you couldn’t tell, the magazine has photoshopped Princess Kate’s head onto a model’s body as part of a tribute by South African designers to their Princess. They’ve stuck her head on a variety of fashions inside the magazine as well. Argh! (Well, at least they’ve taken the heat off Woman’s Day for publishing pics of her on her honeymoon.)

The editor is going to have mucho trouble getting celebs to appear on their cover in the future. The way Hollywood works is that you beg a celebrity’s agent to let you put a photo of their client on your cover. Quite frequently they say no, either because they don’t think your magazine is “right” for their client or they don’t like the photo you’ve chosen, or just because they can. If the celebrity or their “people” turn down your request, the photographer can’t sell the image to you.

It’s a big fat pain in the arse. And now South African Marie Claire have made it an even bigger hemorrhoid for themselves. Because celebrities and their “people” won’t trust the magazine to do the right thing.

As for how the Princess will be feeling. I reckon she’d be mighty pissed off. This is a woman who’s been doing her best to become a fashionista. So I’m with JE, who commented on the US magazine website: “Terrible idea. Invasive and rude. Dress is awful.”

TOM FINALLY GETS HIS HANDS ON SURI

The first photos of Tom Cruise with Suri since Katie stealth divorced him have flooded the internet. Tom hadn’t seen his daughter in person since mid-June because he’d been on location finishing shooting his latest movie, Oblivion, in Iceland and California. According to People magazine: “He’s been dying to see her,” says a source of Cruise.

He could have organised the visitation in secret, but he let the paparazzi photograph him outside The Greenwich Hotel in New York, his sister was also photographed with a bag of fluffy toys for Suri. Later in the day he was also papped at Chelsea Piers taking Suri to her gymnastics lesson. So it’s turned into a war that both sides are going to wage through the paparazzi.

Bizarrely, Katie and Suri have been in two car accidents in the past week in New York. Last Friday, a paparazzi car hit their car after they visited the FAO Schwarz toy store. On Monday night, a garbage truck hit the Mercedes they were travelling in as they were leaving the Chelsea Piers, not far from their new Manhattan apartment.

“Suri was crying in the car,” said a source.

As Lainey Gossip notes: “Everyone’s been freaking out today because there was a minor collision involving Katie’s car and a truck last night. No one was hurt. But it won’t be long before someone speculates that it was a bungled assassination attempt by the Church Of Scientology. If anything, Miscavige [head of the Church of Scientology] and his people should be praying nothing happens to her. Because the minute something goes down, the heat is ONLY on them.”

BUCK UP KEITH

Hey Keith Urban, why so moochy looking? I’m not buying the singer’s gloomy face on the cover of the August issue of GQ Australia. Is he trying to look sexy? Fail.

In the article, Keith explains why his wife of six years doesn’t put up with his moping. “Negativity and doubt are always creeping into my life and having to be kept at bay. Thankfully, Nic is great at calling me on it, and our marriage is at the stage where she doesn’t have to say anything,” Urban says. “I hear myself prattling on with negative crap and her loaded silence shuts me up.”

Here was me thinking Nicole and I had nothing in common, other than both having red hair and being 44. I do the same thing with my husband, except I don’t stop at loaded silence, I tell him to “buck up”.

It reminds me of a photo I saw on Facebook this morning …

OOOOH, FINDING NEMO 2!

According to Deadline.com Andrew Stanton has signed on the dotted line to direct “Finding Nemo 2.” Stanton directed the original Finding Nemo, but he’s also the guy who brought us John Carter, so I’m a bit nervous. Still, he’s apparently had a super-cool idea for the movie. I can’t believe it’s taken Pixar so long. The original Finding Nemo grossed $867.9 million worldwide, making it Pixar’s second-highest-grossing film and the third-biggest Disney animated film release ever. And that comes before Finding Nemo is re-released in 3D in September. Fingers crossed that Ellen Degeneres agrees to voice Dory again.

ARNOLD PLAYS TONSIL HOCKEY

It looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s marriage is definitely over. He was all over a 25-year-old at a party over the weekend. Classy move for a 64-year-old.

Witnesses saw Arnold put his tongue down the woman’s throat at Bagatelle restaurant in West Hollywood.

According to tmz.com: “After the story broke that Arnold fathered the maid’s kid and Maria Shriver filed for divorce, he begged Maria to take him back, but she threw up roadblocks, demanding that he clean up his act. On top of that, Maria changed her mind constantly – one day wanting a divorce and the next wanting to reconcile. Now we’re told Arnold wants the divorce and Maria is the one who’s tormented … because she wants him back, but it’s not going to happen. Sources tell us both Arnold and Maria are now resigned to divorce, which should be official soon. As for that 25-year-old chick … we’re told she’s ‘kinda pretty, super skinny and hippie-like’ – rated a 7 by eyewitnesses – which is 6 points higher than the maid.”

FIRST PICS OF UMA’S NEW BUB

That was quick. Uma Thurman has been photographed with her one-day-old baby in Woodstock, New York. The 42-year-old was spotted at a cafe ordering cold pressed juices. Because that’s what you feel like doing when you’re 42 and it’s only 24-hours since you squeezed out a bub, popping down to your local to be photographed by the paparazzi. Weird.