Who’s the boss at your house?

I made the electronic acquaintance of a person called “Dags” last week. “Dags” took issue with me blogging about my children eating the occasional piece of salmon coated in wholemeal breadcrumbs or chicken rolled in Cornflakes. “Dags” was disturbed that the Sprogs ate mashed potatoes and oven-baked fries. “Dags”reckoned wheat was evil and olive oil must not be heated. “Dags” decreed only virgin coconut oil should be used for cooking. “Dags” said: “I suggest that the best diet for all of us, including children, is a low-carb, high-fat diet.”

“Dags” really pissed me off.

As “Dags” dished holier-than-thou advice on what my children should and shouldn’t be consuming, it occurred to me that “Dags” didn’t sound like he/she actually had children of his/her own. Just to be sure, I started asking leading questions along the lines of “what tips/recipes do you have as a PARENT that you could share with me?”. “Dags” neatly sidestepped the question by pointing me to relevant websites for advice.

When I suggested it was extremely difficult to make a child eat stuff they don’t want to, “Dags” replied: “Depends on who rules the house I guess, the parents or the kids?”

Everything went a bit red and swimmy in front of my eyes at that moment. Last year, my child spent three months preferring to starve than eat anything that required chewing. It was a deeply distressing period in my life. During those harrowing months, I didn’t care if my child ate low-carb food or high-fat food or food crammed with sugar. I was just pathetically grateful if she ate something.

The suggestion that showing her who was boss would make her eat is profoundly naive and, quite frankly, offensive.

Mind you, a child doesn’t need an eating disorder to be challenging at the dinner table. Any mother can tell you that. Kids are stubborn little bastards. You try your best. You do what you can. You cram as many veggies and as few lollies into them as you can.

You do not need to be guilt-tripped about them eating mashed potato. You do not need to be guilt-tripped about them eating crumbed chicken or fish occasionally. You do not need to flagellate yourself because their dinner is pasta with some grated cheese on it and broccoli on the side. There are enough things to feel guilty about as a parent without having the food nazís on your back.

Besides, which food nazi are you supposed to sieg hiel? The one who tells you to follow the food pyramid? The one who tell you to invert the food pyramid? The one who insist sugar is crystallised cancer? The one who reckon soy is the purveyor of all evil? What about the ban-preservatives brigade? I think they all have sincere messages to relay. They just want to help the next generation.

And so do I. I’m doing my best. I know you are too. So I’m not going to give you a hard time about what’s in your child’s lunchbox. If it’s a health nut’s dream, perhaps it will inspire me to change the stuff I’m packing. If it contains a few naughty things, I’ll breathe a sigh of relief that someone else is fallible.

And while I’m sure “Dags” had the best intentions when he/she boasted about his/her perfect breakfast of yoghurt, strawberries, cream and macadamias, I don’t think it would sustain my little ones until morning tea time. Kids are voracious eating machines. They need fuel. Keeping that fuel up to them is a constant challenge. I’m not sure “low-carb, high-fat” would do it. It certainly didn’t do it for me when I banished all carbs from my diet a few years ago (when I developed a multiple-disaccaride deficiency that prevented me absorbing sugars). I was constantly tired, hungry and miserable. It just wasn’t possible to eat enough fat, protein and salad to sate me. How the hell is it going to satisfy a child?

I’m not saying I don’t appreciate advice. I’m no expert. I’m grateful when someone expands my knowledge. And I always take suggestions on board. So my mind is ticking over on ways to reduce my kids’ carb intake.

But don’t tell me that making changes to my family’s diet is simply about showing them who’s boss. My parents tried that when I was a kid. They made me sit at the dinner table until I finished my peas. So I’d spend an hour swallowing them whole, one by one. And when I left home I never ate a pea again. My parents made me finish every mouthful of food on my plate because children were starving in Africa. Now, I’ll keep stuffing my face long after I’m full, because I can’t bear to see waste.

Being forced to eat things didn’t improve my eating habits. It just gave me a distorted attitude to food. I want my children’s attitude to be that anything is fine in moderation. Well, except for those deadly puffer fish they like playing Russian roulette with in Japan.

As for strangers lecturing me on how to feed my children … Practice what you preach and then get back to me when you’ve tried something – with your kids – that works. Then I might be interested.

SO, GOT ANY TRICKS FOR GETTING KIDS TO EAT HEALTHIER FOOD? I’M ALL EARS …