Shoot, shag or marry

The lovely Angela Mollard wrote a column in The Sunday Telegraph magazine yesterday about a game called “Shoot, shag or marry” that she played on a mountain in Nepal. Everyone had to “nominate a celebrity we’d, you know, do it with if we were single or handed a day pass”. She chose Clive Owen.

I thought “oooooh, now there’s a fun idea” and immediately started pondering potential shags. But I had all these questions about the game. Like do you “shoot” the person because they’re a dickhead who deserves a slap around the head? You know, like Tony Abbott? Or do you “shoot” them because they shag around and should be stopped? Like Ashton Kutcher or Gerard Butler? Or is it simply because they don’t turn you on, like Tommy Lee Jones.

Will the “shag” person make fun of your podgy belly or service you grudgingly because they’ve been forced to do it by the invisible “Shoot, shag or marry” rule enforcers? Or are they really into it and think you’re the hottest thing they’ve ever seen? (Even if you’re middle-aged and wrinkly and they usually shag women who look like Scarlett Johanssen.) (Husband finds my concerns amusing, as he reckons men wouldn’t worry about such things, they just think, “Of course Scarlett Johanssen would want to be shagged by me.”)

I know I shouldn’t fret about the physical act because it’s just a game … but I’m an over-thinker. So it’s there, in my head, and I can’t get it out again. And if they’re going to make fun of my squishy belly I’d rather not play. Or I’ll choose someone kinder, like that nice Irish fellow in Bridesmaids.

OK, I’m going to pretend they’re really into me. My “shag” would be … hang on … are we talking the actual celebrity or the character they’ve played in something? Because that makes a difference too. I reckon most male celebs would be absolute arses, so I don’t think sex with them would be much fun. Fictional characters are much easier. It’d be a battle between the 11th Doctor Who, Thor, or a duel at dawn between Mr Knightley in Emma and Mr Darcy in Pride & Prejudice for my hand.

Actual celebrities …. hmmmmm … David Duchovny gets me hot and bothered, but I hate to think where he’s been … Nathan Fillion has these gorgeous eyes and hips, but I’m worried about his sense of humour after he refused to send a photo of himself with twine to The Bloggess … Johnny Depp is divinely attractive, but weird and possibly smelly … and David Tennant is lovely, but kinda weedy and foppish. So I’m going with Jake Gyllenhaal (without facial hair or gay rumours and blanking out that he dated Taylor Swift). Jake Gyllenhaal is hawt and he seems all brooding and still-waters-run-deep but nice (well, apart from the dreadful way he dumped Taylor Swift).

Oooops, forgot the “shoot” and “marry” ones … got too caught up in the shagging. If “shoot” means they annoy the crap out of me and should retire from the spotlight immediately – I don’t wish anyone dead – then I’d remove Tony Abbott and Kyle Sandilands. Ahhhhh, that feels better.

As for “marry”. I don’t want to marry a celeb, they’re all farked in the head. I’m going to stick with the devil I know: Husband. He’s a cranky old bastard, so if I had to nominate someone different for “marry” it would be a less cranky version of him. Although Mr Knightley would be pretty swoony …

OVER TO YOU: Tell me your “shoot”, “shag” and “marry” …

PS Follow Angela Mollard on twitter at

23 thoughts on “Shoot, shag or marry

Add yours

  1. Shoot – Angelina; Shag – Brad; Marry/Shack up – Brad! Ha, it’s the only way anyone will get close to Brad for longer than one shag.

    Or Shag – Adam Levine from Maroon Five. He was on US version of The Voice coach and apparently dates a gorgeous model, bugger.

  2. Oh Alana, this made me smile. I remember playing this game years and years ago in the SMH Newcastle office. So fun. We didn’t bother with the ‘shoot’ or ‘marry’ options, just the fun one.

    I got so into the game that I needed a second sheet of paper to list them all. And that was in the days of foolscap paper. Some of the men on my list were dead. But they had been very shag-worthy when alive so I included them. And to be honest, I had so little chance of scoring with the live ones, they may as well have been dead!

      1. Yes, Megan, it was sooo long. So many names, so little chance of scoring, lol. We actually stuck our lists on the wall and added to them when somebody else took our fancy. Until the fateful day that somebody who was on my list came into the office and saw his name on it. Still makes me cringe when I remember how I tried to explain (not very truthfully, natch). Luckily we hadn’t given our lists headings. Oh, the shame.

      1. My dead shag would be Paul Newman (the Cool Hand Luke version – pre egg eating)

  3. Shoot/retire? Your list looks good to me
    Shag? Dave Grohl, Bono, Eddie Vedder (90s rock stars as a general category)
    Marry? Also slightly less cranky, world weary and sports obsessed version of own hubby

  4. Shoot? Russell Crowe and Delta Goodrem (oops, how did she get in here?!! Guess that 60minutes story didn’t do the trick.)
    Shag? Rupert Friend (Mrs Palfrey at the Clairmont version) Alec Baldwin (30Rock version), James Franco (straight version), Jake (Ok, ok, you can go first!).
    Marry? The Modern Family Dad, so I can laugh all day, every day or … Audrey Tatou so I can look at that beautful creature all day, every day.

      1. A great sense of humour is right at the top of my shagability criteria. Not that I’ve thought about it….much.

      2. Don’t shoot ME but despite his boorish behaviour, I think Jeremy Clarkson is eminently shagable due to his great sense of humour. I think he is often pants-wettingly funny. Sorry about the mental image.

  5. shoot: kyle sandilands… omg… there is no need 2 explain further, is there???
    shag: hugh jackman (the real 1, no character)… he’s my freebie pass
    marry: ray romano (character) – for the same reason as michelle – laugh every day… altho, il keep chris for that too!!

    1. I reckon the guy who plays Conrad Grayson in ‘Revenge’ is pretty hot, for an old bloke. But Jack is the real hottie on that show. Agree that Ray Romano and Phil from ‘Modern Family’ are the types to marry.

  6. Shoot: Delta. We have a bet on at home on who will crack first and say “god, I hate delta” when watching the voice. Shag, GEORGE CLOONEY, of course or Johnny Depp or SEAN BEAN in Game of thrones, and Viggo Mortensen. Marry, Been there done that!

    1. Delta might have to leave Australia when this is over. Wouldn’t Sean and Viggo smell if they’re in character … they’re rather grubby.

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