The Great Famine of 2012

The Great Faminine of 2012 begins on January 1. I’m preparing for it like a chipmunk storing nuts for winter. Except I’m eating all the nuts instead of putting them in a hollow tree trunk. I’ve been stuffing my cheeks with everything on my forbidden food list. All the carb-rich foods I’ve denied myself because of my defunct disaccaride deficiency. Most stuff hasn’t been worth the trouble, which is good because it (hopefully) means I won’t crave it when it’s banned. I’m thinking about applying the same theory to clothes shopping. My usual method is to caress things but not try them on, thus avoiding the temptation to spend money. Then I fantasise about them for weeks. When I can’t stand it any longer, I head to the changeroom. And it invariably looks terrible on me. I could have saved myself all those weeks of desire. This week I’ve eaten every temptation I can imagine: bacon and egg sandwich, a meat pie, a hamburger and fries, hot pizza, cold pizza, cheese corn chips, oodles of vegemite toast. I’ve even sampled the holy grail of evil, fettucine in creamy sauce.  I haven’t eaten creamy pasta for years. Even before the deficiency it felt wrong. I don’t know what I was expecting from a $7 bowl of seafood pasta at a bowling club, but it wasn’t worth the heartburn. Ohhh, the heartburn. Even if the junk food had been ambrosial, the heartburn would put the brakes on it for me. Lying propped up in bed each night, my oesophagus broiling, I feel so miserable I’ve even contemplated starting the Great Famine early. I fantasise about eating nothing but sashimi, salad, vegetables …. Then I wake the next morning, recovered, and embark on another day of greasy pleasure.

PS: You’re probably wondering why The Great Famine of 2012 needs to begin if there’s a forbidden food list. But it’s amazing how much a person can pork up on curry, steak with blue cheese sauce, and 10 handfuls of nuts and dried fruit a day.

TONIGHT’S MENU: A mystery, as we’re on the road.

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