I am not convinced that I have ADHD, but I frequently find myself searching for explanations for my behaviour.
My mood swings from joy to despair on a regular basis. I grit my teeth when dealing with people because my patience has worn thin. I struggle to sleep. I seek dopamine hits from shopping, booking holidays or moving house.
I definitely did not fit the ADHD mould as a child. I was a high achiever who never struggled at school, other than being baffled by “choir” in an infants school reading test.
And I was never frenetic. As a cadet journalist my nickname was Speedy because I ambled everywhere.
That said, my brain has always been in overdrive, with the computer equivalent of 50 tabs open at once.
BBC Focus tells me that as oestrogen levels decline, women may find it harder to manage underlying ADHD symptoms, such as inattention or emotional dysregulation.
Traits that were previously manageable can become more pronounced.
I remain skeptical.
On the other hand, when I was on corporate communications duty on Monday I was completely unable to check the address to ensure I was going to the right place.
It’s hard to explain, but I just couldn’t. I went to where I thought it would be and hoped for the best.
Why couldn’t I check? All I had to do was look it up on my phone. But no.
I want to join a gym, but I can’t seem to make the call. Not because I’m lazy, there’s just some sort of mental block there.
And I’m currently stuck in a phase where I feel like a complete failure. It weighs heavily on me. I feel that everyone is judging me and finding me wanting.
My brain chants that I am fat, I am old, I am ugly, I am not good at my job, I am a bad mother, I am a bad daughter, I am a bad friend.
Estrogen comes up a lot in my Google searches.
Dr Mache Seibel, author of The Estrogen Window, told Salon: “Estrogen is really important to maintaining certain neuropeptides, like dopamine and serotonin. ADHD is associated with lower dopamine levels, so when those levels start dropping [in perimenopause and menopause], ADHD behavior might increase.
“And then you have serotonin, whose levels impact mood and things like depression and anxiety. Combine that and you have a set of conditions that mimic what goes on in people who have ADD. You don’t know if it’s the chicken or the egg.”
Dr Julie Holland, author of Moody Bitches reckons estrogen is an accommodating hormone, and when women stop producing it naturally, many of them also stop trying to do things that seemed important in their estrogen-loaded 20s and 30s — picking up other people’s slack, biting their tongues at work or with family, making sure everyone has everything they need and caring about other people’s opinions.
Well, that’s me on the inside, but I’m not sure I have it in me to let it all hang out. I have been programmed to be nice at all costs.
As a result there is so much unexpressed RAGE. Well, except when it comes to dogs barking in the middle of the night. I’ve been expressing a lot of that at 3am.
Thankfully the outrageously expensive ear meds seem to be working and my last two nights have been woof free.
But I can hear them scratching at the laundry door, so I’d better get up and face the day.
Song of the day: Gwen Stefani “The sweet escape”
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