Are there “normal” people in the world or are we all abnormal in our own special ways?
I often wonder why I don’t feel “normal” and whether something is “wrong” with me.
ADHD has been one of the possibilities I’ve considered.
Adult ADHD is a controversial topic right now – diagnoses are going through the roof and so are the prescriptions to treat it.
Is it on the rise, were more people undiagnosed in the past or is it a cynical pharmaceutical money-making exercise?
Whatever it is, a lot of articles about it pop up in my feed. Some of the traits are so me, many are so not me.
My youth doesn’t quite fit the mould. I spent my childhood living in a fantasy world, with my head buried in books, dreaming I was an alien from Alpha Centauri, dodging physical contact, being terribly shy, struggling to interact with non-geeks and feeling ashamed of my clumsiness and lack of sporting prowess.
I was intelligent and focused in class – I topped the class in subjects that interested me – English, ancient history – and came bottom of the class in things that didn’t – languages other than English, maths, science …
I loved writing essays but loathed studying so much that I promised myself if I did well in the HSC I never had to study again.
I did well in the HSC and never studied again, eagerly skipping university for a journalism cadetship at The Newcastle Herald.
My social struggles continued there and I was surprised when two fellow cadets invited me to lunch one day. It was only when I returned to the office with them afterwards that I realised the invitation had been a ploy to ensure I was back on the newsroom floor at the right moment for a Santa stripper gram that required an unsuspecting victim.
The realisation why I was invited to lunch and the public humiliation that followed are still faintly etched on my soul all these decades later.
A very long list of my faults and failings are etched alongside it.
I read an article last week in The Australian by a woman called Caroline Zielonski who had recently being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.
Mark Bellgrove, a professor in cognitive neuroscience at Monash University, told her: “Many girls present differently to boys. They tend to be inattentive rather than hyperactive, and their ADHD may look a lot more like anxiety.”
“Due to different societal pressures and expectations, girls also tend to exhibit masking behaviours, particularly in early adolescence … but as demands on them get higher in terms of social interactions, academic pursuits, work and having families, these women are no longer coping well and they start to wonder why.”
Work and having a family definitely meant I was no longer coping well.
Caroline wasn’t either when she had her first child three years ago.
“Until that moment, I was able to tick along – dysfunctionally, but enough to get by. And then the wheels just fell off,” she recalls.
When my wheels fell off, I put it down to PND and work stress and soldiered on, as Gen Xers tend to do. But the wheels have been a little unaligned ever since.
Caroline notes that the first time she twigged that maybe she had ADHD was when her boyfriend sent her an article written by journalist-turned-doctor Amy Coopes for Croakey Health in 2022.
I clicked on the link to the article and felt seen.
Amy wrote: “Without conscious bid or realisation, I opted into possibly the best profession for someone like me: news reporting. Quick, glib mastery across a diverse array of topics on any given day, under time and competitive pressures (hello dopamine), in the engine-room of the collective consciousness. I never knew what I would be writing or where I would be going from one day to the next. I could hyperfocus on a given topic, acquit myself of its merits, and move onto the next shiny thing. Far from a problem, my pinball machine brain was an asset as a peripatetic foreign correspondent.”
Pinball machine brain!
Many years later Amy saw a psychiatrist who said she would benefit from trying medication. When that first pill entered her bloodstream, she recalls: “I was in my bedroom folding laundry. Everything was suddenly quiet, still. It was like opening a grimy window to the breathless vividness of day … Outside, a flock of birds was flying in formation east. There was the soft, fragrant weight of a shirt in my hands. Standing in the stillness, becalmed, I watched the birds coast by, my eyes following them until the last one was out of view. Nothing in the silence but the rustling of wings.”
What is this wonderful thing she describes, this stillness and silence?
“Nobody ever tells you that ADHD is a form of exile,” Amy adds. “From your senses, your present moment. Yourself. Blink and you miss it. Over and over and over again. Treatment is more than being able to focus, to sit still. It is a homecoming. It invites you back into your body, to feel things you’ve spent a lifetime annexed from. The sun on your face through the spring blossoms, the soft weight of a hand being held. Hunger, thirst. Grief. Remember this place, it says, holding out arms shaped very much like your own. Why not stay a while, pull up a pew.
“You might even grow to like it. You might even come to know you.”
Sounds great, but also scary to not have all my thoughts and ideas and plans and 3D models of potential home renovations spinning around in my head keeping me company.
Am I still Alana without those 100 different things swirling around simultaneously and popping out my mouth randomly?
I’m also not sure that I need stimulants. I dwell on the outer fringes of the spectrum and there are many others whose struggle is greater than mine.
I also wonder – could oestrogen be my real frenemy?
According to WebMD: “ADHD symptoms tend to be milder at times when estrogen levels are higher in your body, like during and shortly after your period. You might notice more ADHD symptoms when estrogen levels are lower, like when you’re having PMS.”
My PMS was horrendous – it felt like the sense of impending doom that victims of irukandji sting describe.
“Estrogen levels rise during pregnancy, which often reduces major ADHD symptoms,” WebMD continues.
“After childbirth, though, it’s common for ADHD symptoms to get worse.
“The combination of ADHD, hormonal changes, and life events can become a triple threat for women in their late 40s and beyond.
“If you’ve had mild ADHD up to now, hormone-related changes may have you feeling overwhelmed for the first time.”
Etc etc. Feel seen again.
I got excited when I discovered this connection and thought “ooooooh, estrogen patches could be the answer to getting off the crazy rollercoaster that I ride … not to mention helping my tendonitis …”
Then I discovered there is a massive estrogen patch shortage that’s expected to continue for most of 2025.
Dammit.
Does anyone out there have any suggestions for estrogen work-arounds they’ve used that I could talk to a doctor about … if I find the courage.
In the meantime, I need to spend more time in the sea. I feel the closest to at peace when I am there. The waves fill me with so much joy and relief..
Sorry, that was a long one.
Song of the day: Radiohead “Creep”
housegoeshome 
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