Such a buzz

It has been very noisy inside my ears over the past 24 hours.

For a start I have a touch of tinnitus because I’ve been slack with my ear vacuuming.

I should know better as I have a long history of ear blockages. My mother thought I was a very naughty girl when I was a kid and ignoring her instructions, but a doctor’s visit revealed I was deaf as a post.

My ears have been professionally syringed on a regular basis ever since. Then, during COVID-19 and the penury of unemployment, I got DD to do it.

A dual ear staph and thrush disaster that led me to spend a birthday morning in the emergency department put a stop to that.

Following that I discovered this fabulous thing called – eeeew – ear toiletting or vacuuming, which involves “gentle microsuction technology”. The first few times required referrals to an ENT, then I discovered Earworx.

Earworx nurses don’t require referrals, which is less hassle but equally expensive.

And I never get around to booking an appointment until my ears are so bad that I am suffering a trifecta of hearing loss, tinnitus and dermatitis. Sexy and I know it …

I would appear to be in a very popular boat – when I tried to book an appointment for vacuuming yesterday, the earliest one I could get was Friday next week. Dammit.

However, the hearing loss didn’t prevent me being woken at 5.15am yesterday morning by a loud beeping noise in my apartment. I searched high and low and couldn’t work out where the hell it was coming from.

So I put a pillow over my dodgy ears and the beeping miraculously disappeared … unfortunately so did my ability to get back to sleep.

At 6.15am I took the pillow away and could once again hear the beeping punctuating the air.

I eventually worked out it was the bloody Mildred Valve on my hot water service.

The what?

A Mildred Valve is an electronic automated shut off valve for internal mains water supply systems as a safety measure in the event of a leak. I’d never encountered a Mildred Valve until about 12 months ago when mine started beeping madly in a cupboard in my hallway.

Mildred Valves are powered by four AAA batteries, which is bizarrely old-fashioned. When those batteries wear out the beeping begins, invariably in the middle of the night.

I did that a year ago then promptly forgot all about Mildred and her predilection for incessant beeping.

Note to self: must purchase new AAA battery supplies.

Coupled with partying with the 75-year-old King of Cocktails the night before, I was feeling pretty wan by the time I served pumpkin soup for dinner last night.

My phone rang halfway through dinner. It rarely rings so I was a bit startled – it was DD! He’d landed at Sydney Airport and wanted to drop off some South American snacks on his way home.

I’ve since been introduced to the latest thing that is going to stand between me and dieting: Alfajores!