A certain age

You know you’ve reached a certain age when you visit your GP for a Pap smear and she starts talking about “changes” and “discomfort” … before she’s even taken the plastic speculum out of its packaging.

I hadn’t mentioned any issues, she’d simply checked my birthdate and decided to gently inform me there were options I could investigate if “friction” was becoming an issue.

It took me a moment to understand what she was talking about because the words “vagina” and “sex” weren’t mentioned.

I stared at her blankly, then realised OH! We’re discussing intercourse!

She suggested oestrogen cream could be an excellent option for me as she unwrapped the Cervex brush.

I was tempted to ask if I could get some of it for my face, as it could definitely do with a freshen up.

But I held my tongue.

She then proceeded to practice breathing exercises with me before the Pap smear to ensure the least discomfort.

Yes, yes, just get on with it! What’s with all the chittering?

I’ve since checked the Family Planning NSW website, which informed me that after menopause the decline in oestrogen can result in both difficulty in the interpretation of a Pap smear and discomfort during the procedure. Women are sometimes even prescribed low-dose vaginal oestrogen prior to a Pap smear to minimise these problems.

Ah, I see.

Middle age is filled with so many joyful physical developments.

Speaking of which, when we’d finished discussing parched lady gardens and bagged my smear, I creakily put my undies back on and brought up my hip issues. I need to get them sorted out before I go on holidays with DD. Currently, the only comfortable position for sleeping is on my back, which means I snore like industrial machinery.

The GP thinks I may have two problems: bursitis and “degenerative issues”.

A bursa is a closed, fluid-filled sac that works as a cushion and gliding surface to reduce friction between tissues of the body. There are major bursas located next to the tendons near the large joints, such as in the shoulders, elbows, hips, and knees.

I have form in this area – I had bursitis in my heel as a teenager and spent half of my senior years in high school wearing a Dunlop Volley with the back of the shoe flattened down.

I think the second thing she mentioned is a polite way of saying arthritis.

So I’m getting my lower back and hip x-rayed on Wednesday. Plus she said it’s been too long between blood tests and mammograms, so I need those things too. Sigh.

The only other pressing issue I have is with my tooth, but she can’t help me with that. I have been so busy lately that I haven’t even been looking at myself properly in the mirror. When things slowed down over my recent holiday I noticed a terrible thing.

One of my teeth is Chad Morganning.

My parents spent an absolute frigging fortune on braces for me as a teenager, but my teeth stubbornly refused to stay straight. The ones on either side of my front teeth kept flaring.

So my orthodontist tried an experimental procedure he’d seen at an international conference: a permanent brace on the back of my four top front teeth.

It finally fell off last year and someone at a dental clinic replaced it, but they must have done it wrongly.

I am SOOOOOOO angry at myself for not noticing sooner because I have a sinking feeling it is going to take a lot of time and wads of cash to fix.

Quadruple sigh.

In happier news, I did some awesome stuff over the weekend that I will tell you about tomorrow.

Hope you had a good weekend too.

Song of the day: well, it’s not actually a song, it’s celebrities saying “moist”