I committed a bit of a social media sin yesterday. I saw an article by John Birmingham popping up all over the place on Facebook and Twitter, so I shared it. Without actually reading it.
Gasp.
It frustrates me when people do that with iVillage stories. So I can’t quite believe I’m guilty of the same crime. I swear, I normally only share thing I feel all ra-ra and passionate about. But I saw the headline: “A shameful week to be a man”; and the intro: “Mostly I dig being a man. It’s awesome. And being a middle class white man? Holy crap. I don’t need to buy a lottery ticket because I won all the things just by turning up. But sometimes …”; and I was feeling really, really angry about that whole Charles Saatchi “playful tiff” caper; and I was in a rush. So, I just clicked “share” and dashed off to get my hair coloured.
As I sat marinating in the salon, tracking iVillage and Google Analytics and Skype and gmail and Facebook (while simultaneously discussing my colourist’s upcoming trip to New York), a funny thing happened.
Men got VERY cross about the John Birmingham story I’d shared. Generally I find the blokes don’t have much to say on my Facebook page. They keep to themselves. I mean, I had a heated exchange a few months back with one about how society was demonizing men (oddly enough it was ME who felt they were being demonized). But generally it’s the chicks who weigh in.
John Birmingham had written: “Because the truth is the world is not solely populated by misogynists and homophobes and embittered, deeply stupid and potentially violent males. It’s also full of calmer, gentler, more intelligent and wiser men who know better than these fools and who are perfectly capable of standing them down. Men who want better for women because so many of the people they care most about in the world are women.
“Where are these blokes when a man puts his hands around a woman’s neck and starts to squeeze? Where are they when some idiot demeans and disrespects a prime minister, not because of what she’s done, but because of what she is? Where are you guys? Because if you just stepped up and said no at the very moment that it’s happening, not later, but right then and there, some of this wretched dickishness might finally die out.”
Which made a male friend growl: “What a load of tripe. What, I’m supposed to develop omnipresence and be everywhere at once to stop dickheads, or else I should be ashamed? And isn’t it a wee bit sexist to say men should be stepping in to stop these disgraceful things happening, rather than any women who might also be around at the time?”
Followed by: “It’s click-baiting drivel. How would women like to be told it’s a shameful week to be a woman because of, say, Kristi Anne Abrahams – who pleaded guilty to murdering her six-year-old in Mt Druitt? I can imagine the reaction.”
Meanwhile, a gay friend pointed out: “I’m sure he did win everything simply by turning up, but I certainly didn’t. Having spent the first half of my life having seven shades of shit kicked out of me on a regular basis I’m pretty lucky to still be around at all let alone to have the life I’ve achieved. I don’t feel particularly advantaged and don’t like being included in his narrative simply by virtue of my skin colour or how much money I might earn.”
And: “Not to take this piece too seriously (I don’t), but it would be nice if we stopped assigning oppressor and victim status in broad strokes to vast categories of people, all of whom are actually individuals and have their own stories.”
Their feelings were in stark contrast to the reactions from women on my Facebook feed:
“A fabulous article by the brilliant John Birmingham.”
“John Birmingham = intelligent man!”
“I cannot like this enough! Bless John Birmingham.”
“Fantastic rant by John Birmingham today.”
“Nicely put, John.”
Which leaves me where?
Quite a few places …
Ashamed I didn’t read the article before sharing it.
Fascinated that it has provoked such ire in my male friends.
And strangely conflicted about the take-out message.
I think the men have a point. Why should they be bundled together and blamed?
But the concept of stamping out despicable behaviour towards our fellow human beings, whatever their gender, race or sexual orientation remains a powerful one.
If we could just find a way to stand together rather than tear each other apart.
What’s your take on it?
housegoeshome 
I really like the article. I see some of the points you friends made on Facebook but don’t feel the article is really blaming the ‘good’ men for the ‘bad’ ones. To me, it is asking, would you sit in the restaurant when Nigella was being abused and keep sitting. etc
It’s the same as the recent incidents of racial abuse on the buses. There were up to 30 people who sat there letting it happen. Did all of them agree? We have to assume most did. And the rest were afraid.
It’s about practising citizenry. Standing up for the society you want.
I’ve travelled on one of those bus routes – the one where the ABC reporter was abused. It goes through Marrickville and frequently has someone with a serious mental illness and/or drug habit on board. Often more than one. People yell incoherent abuse all the time – some of it racial, some of it regular (incidentally, often the racial abuse is against the white fellas). Yelling back only makes it worse. Like pouring petrol on a fire. You can’t reason with a mentally ill/manically high person, and it’s usually pretty obvious they’re not the full quid. Ignoring it is the only real course of action available I’ve found. It’s why 80 per cent of the passengers have headphones on.
I’m sure it was shocking for the ABC reporter, who probably usually drives and is unaccustomed to the horrors of public transport through some of Sydney’s less salubrious suburbs.
Not much of that on my bus route, just lots of blokes in suits … fortunately …
And what a “deep breath” thing that is
That’s an interesting reaction. I guess I’m of the opinion it’s hard to go much further with defeating sexism without the help of good men. That does mean they have to step up and say this isn’t acceptable. I also think the world is full of good men.
Certainly in general terms there shouldn’t be any fear to speaking out about inappropriate words and actions.
However, in the case of witnessing an act of violence, you do need to respond but carefully. By that I mean for God’s sake at least call the police (man or woman you should be able to do that). As for physically intervening that is tricky. When my husband and I witnessed two men having a brutal fight (one was on the ground the other kicking and punching him) our reactions were different. I reached for the phone and called 000. I knew I didn’t have the ability to break it up myself. My husband went outside and stood across the road from them and in a big booming man voice yelled at them. Which was enough of a circuit breaker to distract them for their wives to pull them apart. If it hadn’t been enough, he would have gone over, he also says if there had have been a woman been attacked he would have physically intervened immediately. But it is difficult – these men were big blokes my husband is by no means a burly guy.
So I guess I like the Birmingham piece because it seems to say, look fellas let’s just recognise that we wouldn’t like the women in our lives being treated badly by others, so let’s say this isn’t right and speak up to stop it.
I think that real change comes when there are more male voices, like Birmingham and Lieutenant-General David Morrison calling out this behaviour.
What a horrible thing to have witnessed.
I’m still not sure what Birmingham’s point was, other than trying to generate ‘controversy’ and get his column some clicks. Is he advocating vigilante action by the ‘good’ men? Because I’m pretty sure the police would tell you getting in the middle of a domestic, rather than calling the police, is a good way to earn yourself an assault charge. Or get your head punched in. Or both. Especially when the woman involved backs her abusive husband/partner against you, as often occurs once the heat of the moment has passed.
Also, who was supposed to step in and act in the examples he gives? Radio hosts are usually alone in a studio with their guests. There may have been a producer with a kill button – who may have been male or female – who did nothing. But it’s a brave producer who cuts off the ‘talent’ on air.
And I’m guessing in poor Nigella’s case the only one around was the pap, since otherwise surely we’d have video to go with the still pictures. And I think you know how likely it is a pap will step in. And has Nigella pressed charges? What would have become of a bloke stepping in, tossing her husband aside? Charged with assault perhaps, as they stick together to insist he misinterpreted a joking moment between husband and wife?
The restaurant is claiming to have seen nothing, and I suspect the “quotes” Sunday People used were actually from the photographer.
It was a good article and I think he made some good points. Yes a lot of men are being marginalised, however facts still remain, women are still paid less than men for doing the same job and that gap is widening. Women are predominantly the victims of domestic abuse (not to say women don’t behave badly and hit men either).
And yes, why did the photographer keep snapping away while allowing that to happen? Why did the restaurant staff allow it to happen?
It was a woman who went up to those two murderers of a British soldier in England.
Wow, I’d forgotten about the woman who went up to the killers. She was AMAZING. I was totally awed by her courage.
I thought the same thing as they guy who asked how women would like to be told it’s a shameful week to be a woman because Kristi Abrahams pleaded guilty to the murder of her daughter Kiesha. He could have included the woman in Perth being investigated over the death of her three-year-old son, who was found dead inside a washing machine, and new research showing girls are more spiteful bullies than boys. Women and girls don’t feel the need to apologise for our sex because of these things, and nor should we. I have been deeply concerned for a long time about the message boys get from a young age about how worthless and hopeless males are. I saw it when my sons were in infants and primary school and quite a few female teachers did their best to “rescue” little boys from their masculinity, insisting they behave more like little girls. My daughter, always in the same year as her twin brother, once commented that teachers seemed to “like girls better than boys”. I’m never surprised that more than three-quarters of suicides are males. Having said that, I wouldn’t feel at all guilty about having shared John Birmingham’s piece, Alana. If nothing else, I hope the responses from men at least made us think about seeing things from their side.
Thanks Beryl. I get quite irate about news stories where men are vilified unnecessarily, such as when they’re dobbed in for being potential pedophiles, simply because they’ve taken their child to the beach or something. It really sends an awful message to kids.