THE MAG I BOUGHT THIS WEEK AWARD GOES TO …
The celebrity mags have put Tom Cruise’s sperm under the microscope this week. Yep, they’re in a complete tizz (again) about whether Suri needs a paternity test. To avoid sticky legal complications, the mags are using phrases like “Outrage over Suri DNA bombshell” (New Idea), “Slurs over Suri’s real dad” (Grazia), “Tom takes Suri & his paternity test nightmare” (NW). My tip: she’s 100% Mapother.
As the TomKat obsession continues, it’s hardly surprising that some old chestnuts are resurfacing. Between that and Olympic fever, choosing a winner for The Mag I Bought This Week Award was tough. Click through to Village Voices for my envelope opening …
WHO DID IT BETTER
I’m always fascinated by how differently two magazine editors can treat the same story. Here are the current covers of People and WHO, revealing how Tom Cruise is coping with losing his wife and primary custody of his daughter in 11 short days. The pair are sister publications (People is published in the US) so the stories inside will be pretty similar, but I reckon WHO knocks it out of the park with its emotive coverline: “Tom at breaking point”. And the photo of Tom carrying Suri is far more appealing than a close-up of Tom’s sad eyes and the coverline “Tom’s shattered world” in my book. I know which one I’d be buying if I had to choose at a newsstand.
ANOTHER STAB AT SCIENTOLOGY
When I first read about a new movie called The Master, I got a bit yawny. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix starring in a film about the birth of a culty religion that’s suspiciously like Scientology sounded fabulous and worthy etc, but not terribly gossipy.
But then I started reading that Tom Cruise was not amused after watching it and I read some of the juicy plot points, like dissenters being called “squirrels” in both the film and by L. Ron Hubbard, and that Sea Orgs signing 1-billion-year contracts like cult members in the movie who sign 3-billion year contracts. And I got a lot more interested. (To read all 22 plot point similarities, go to The Beast, which has done a great job collating them here.)
Dlisted.com had me giggling – as usual – with its take on the movie: “Philip Seymour Hoffman said before that the movie isn’t about Scientology. Please. The only way this movie could be more about Scientology is if there was 100% more man-on-man action, a dance number starring John Travolta backed up by the Scientology glory hole chorus boys and a cameo by Kirstie Alley as an intergalactic overlord. Please tell me there’s a cameo by Kirstie Alley as an intergalactic overlord.”
Watch the clip for The Master by clicking here.
MILA AND ASHTON CAUGHT SNOGGING!
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis can’t keep their hands off each other! According to US Weekly, they were pashing in front of fellow guests (and the paparazzi’s long lenses) at a party on Saturday.
Click here to see the pics.
My smut-loving heroine, Lainey Gossip, is very disparaging about their relationship. Here’s just one of her grossed-out quotes: “Ashton Kutcher is a dick. Not just because he cheated on Demi Moore – but yeah that too – and not just because he’s too dumb to write his own tweets and not just because he’s an arrogant talentless piece of sh-t but if all that wasn’t enough it’s also because he’s not kind. Shouldn’t they be kind?”
STONE’S GIANT ROCK
Not quite sure how I missed Aussie food hunk Curtis Stone proposing to his Hollywood paramour, Lindsay Price, last week.
“We were down in the south of Italy,” he revealed at the finale party for his TV show, Around The World in 80 Plates. “We took a little break, and . . . I did it! I popped the question. We had a beautiful balcony in Positano and I did get on one knee.”
“Look at the smile on my face; I’m an excited man. She said yes!” he gushed. “If she had have said no, I’d be very sad, but she said yes so I’m very happy.”
Lindsay is sporting a MASSIVE engagement ring. Check out the sparkler by clicking here.
THANK GOD SAGE WASN’T PICKETTED
Westboro Baptist Church didn’t put Sage Stallone’s funeral on their “picket schedule” on Saturday. Gotta love a church with a “picket schedule”, that’s just so awesomely Christian of them. God must smile on the congregation for that … actually, I’m thinking it might not lead to the sort of rewards in the afterlife that they’re hoping to receive. In fact, it sounds like a ticket to a looooong stint in a hot spot to me.