Jail birds

I went to jail yesterday. With a crashing hangover. It was ace.

I took a Unisom the night before. It’s a great way to avoid the 2am dry horrors, because you’re so dribblingly unconscious you don’t notice them. You just have to hope kidney failure – or whatever mixing Unisom and alcohol might cause – doesn’t set in. I’m thinking it might be wiser not to drink so much at parties.

The alarm went off at 6.30am. I crawled out of bed. I let the chooks out. I walked for 30 minutes in the icy semi-darkness to collect the car from my sister’s house (where we’d left it after dropping the Sprogs off for a sleepover) and drove to the prison.

When I got to the prison, the air was filled with the shrieks of those awful ibis birds (despised by Sprog 2 because one stole her sandwich – from her hand – in Hyde Park once). They’ve recently started clustering in the palm trees at the entrance to the prison. So I thought, that’s funny, jail birds. And I took a photo. And a prison officer went absolutely berko at me. He waved his arms around and gestured at a sign on the front gate. And I’m like “what?”. And he’s like “can’t you see the sign?”. And I’m like “yeah, but that’s for INSIDE the prison isn’t it? I’m in the car park. I’m just taking a photo of some birds, mate.” And he gesticulated wildly a bit more and I’m like “Chill. I just took a photo of some birds.”

And then I spent three hours in prison, mainlining Diet Coke and Mars Pods from the junk machines. And then I went home and cooked a Mexican dinner party for nine people. And then it was bed time. A sobbingly exhausted bed time.

And now it’s Monday morning. Pupil farking free day. Thank you very much.

How’s your pupil free day going?