Little Miss Perfect

Do you wish you were more diligent about the little things in life? The stuff that always slip through the cracks. Or are you the type who deodorises their recycling bin (like the over-achievers’ bins I explored on my frantic search for the missing mail)? There’s an on-top-of-everything person I dream about being. A thinner, tidier, kinder, prettier version of myself. Let me describe my Little Miss Perfect to you:

1. The inside of her fridge doesn’t look like it might harbour the Ebola virus.

2. Her heels are crack-free because she buffs them in the shower religiously, applies heel balm at night, and doesn’t wear thongs everywhere.

3. She doesn’t eat chocolate when she thinks no-one is looking.

4. She shaves her armpits and calves more than four times a year.

5. She plucks all stray hairs religiously.

6. She doesn’t drink three glasses of wine every night (at 170 calories per glass).

7. She doesn’t feel a desperate urge to skull a Diet Coke every afternoon.

8. She doesn’t act on the above two urges.

9. She has long, meaningful discussions with Husband about books, theatre, politics.

10. She never forgets to clean Sprog poo off the toilet bowl when visitors are coming.

11. She looks for a job that pays actual money, as opposed to spending hours blogging/facebooking/tweeting, which pays nothing. 

12. She gets her eyelashes tinted, brows waxed and toenails professionally painted every month.

13. She weighs 60kg.

14. She sends thank-you notes for Sprog 1 & 2’s birthday gifts.

15. She also sends Christmas cards.

16. She never gives the Sprogs cheese & bacon rolls or meat pies for lunch. They eat sushi, wholegrain sandwiches, fruit and other virtuous stuff.

17. She splashes in the surf with the Sprogs instead of sitting on the sand.

18. Her cupboards are tidy.

19. She goes to the gym.

20. She isn’t hungry ALL THE TIME.

21. She keeps track of all her spending and always pays her bills on time.

22. She doesn’t devour gossip like its a juicy steak.

23. She always buys organic fruit and veg.

24. She never avoids charity collectors at shopping centres and malls.

25. Her car is spotlessly clean inside and out.

26. She doesn’t have regrowth.

27. She has finished writing her TV pilot and started writing her movie script.

28. She’s calm, relaxed and doesn’t clench her teeth so hard her jaw aches.

29. She would never park the Sprogs in front of the TV so she could blog in peace.

30. She loves playing Charades with five-year-olds.

31. She doesn’t want to strangle Sprog 2 when she fails to read the same word three times in a row on the same page.

32. She reads newspapers and keeps up with current affairs.

33. She doesn’t have a large box in the corner of the bedroom where she chucks crap rather than sorting it out.

34. There isn’t a permanent pile of dirty clothes on her bathroom floor, right beside the dirty clothes basket.

35. She cleanses and tones every night.

36. There are no weevils in her cupboard. And suspect flour is never considered for human consumption.

37. She wears nice bras and knickers, not tatty, faded ones.

38. She does 100 sit-ups every night and pilates twice a week.

39. She knows who her Federal member is.

40. She wakes every morning with a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

Actually, Little Miss Perfect sounds a bit annoying. I wouldn’t want to be friends with her. She’d made me feel inadequate and insecure all the time. Hmmmmm, so I’d be perfect but I wouldn’t have any friends …