Dipsomania in suburbia

Is it wrong to fill a mini water-spray bottle with vodka and take it to a restaurant? The place was BYO, but plonking a litre of vodka on the table didn’t seem quite the done thing (perfectly acceptable in Russia, not as much on Sydney’s north shore). So why did slipping that little bottle into my handbag make me feel so … dirty? I initially put the vodka into a cupcake sprinkles container, but worried the seal wouldn’t hold. It also bore a disturbing resemblance to a urine sample.Then I remembered the water-spray bottle, normally used on the Sprogs’ hair when it’s knotty. Perfect! Why the vodka? I needed it for my Diet Coke. Needed, now there’s an interesting word. I was going to a school mum’s birthday lunch. Everyone else would be drinking champagne and wine. Except for the sensible ones drinking water. I didn’t feel like champagne and wine. I didn’t want to be sensible either. Champagne and wine make me feel woozy in the middle of the day. Vodka and Diet Coke, on the other hand, make me feel sparkly and scintillating. My vodka spray bottle caused quite the sensation when I pulled it out. The mum next to me had a squirt and insisted it was just water. So I had a squirt and she was right, it did taste a lot like water. She had another squirt and started spluttering. I had another squirt and started spluttering. The residual water in the spray tube was gone, only 80 proof remained. I felt all warm and smiley in no time. It’s a handy trick for when I become a housewife alcoholic. I’ll pretend its Rescue Remedy or something. Lunch was nice too. It was at a marina on Middle Harbour. Very relaxed and scenic. This stay-at-home-mum lifestyle is getting pretty hard to take, let me tell you.

DIET TRANSGRESSIONS: 12 skinny french fries at lunch. They were sitting in a bowl taunting me. I couldn’t resist.

TONIGHT’S MENU: I’m leaving, on a jet plane … WITHOUT THE SPROGS!!! WITHOUT HUSBAND!!! I’m going to Melbourne for the weekend. I’m eating out. I don’t know what they’re eating.