Guilty secret

I haven’t told the Sprogs yet, but I’m going away. Without them. Without Husband too. It’s only for two days, but my gut gets knotty just thinking about it. I feel guilty about how much the ticket cost. I feel guilty about leaving my family for 48 hours. It took me days to get up the nerve to press “confirm” on the airline website. I shouldn’t be feeling this way – they’ll be fine. I think it’s the reason I’m going that’s bothering me. I’m visiting an old friend. We used to work together, she was my mentor. And a workaholic. She loved spending 10-12 hours in the office every day. Pulling overnighters for royal weddings was like Christmas to her. Then one day she chucked it in and moved interstate. She discovered she loved being at home and spending more time with her family. She even started doing jewellery-making and French courses. I need to talk to her. I need to know if she regrets her decision. Does ever wish she was still working? Is she fulfilled by being at home? I’m fretting about my future, big time (again). Would it be wrong of me to go back to work, when the Sprogs love having me at home so much? Would it be wrong of me to not go back to work? I mean, what if the novelty of being at home wears off in five years and I can’t get a job? What happens when the Sprogs get a bit older and want to hang out with their friends, not their Mum? There’s also this other part of me, the professional part, that feels like the captain who’s not going down with her ship. Print media is struggling. I love magazines, they’re in my blood. I should be there, helping. I have all these ideas, too. Admittedly, many of them are for Puppy Love – a range of toy dogs and accessories I fantasise about creating (sad) – but I also spend hours in bed at night, flicking through magazines, wondering how to captivate readers again. I refuse to believe people will stop curling up with magazines, turning the crisp pages, pouring over the pictures. Computers, iPads, e-readers … they’re just not the same. Stuff like news is easy to digest on-line. But homes and homewares, fashion, food, travel … they belong on paper. When I think of going back to work, though, it seems like one big mother guilt-trip. Constantly feeling like you’re failing at everything – you’re not at work enough, you’re not at home enough. Everything is this huge, awful, stressful rush. And yet, it’s a rush of a very different kind when you get a magazine right. On the other hand, there’s always Puppy Love … or my pop-up jazz bar idea … I’ll talk to my friend. She might have some advice. The question is, will I listen?

TONIGHT’S DINNER: Leftovers for the family. I’m going to the local Thai restaurant for a kindy mums’ dinner. The salmon marinade last night was delish. The Sprogs preferred their salmon un-marinated, but you could always do an adult tray and a kids’ tray. Here’s the recipe:

2 tablespoons pine nuts, toasted; 1 tablespoon honey; 2 tablespoons lemon juice; 1/4 cup olive oil; 1/2 cup fresh basil leaves; 1 clove garlic.

METHOD: Whack it all in a blender and process until smooth. Spoon the sauce over the salmon fillets, turn to coat and refrigerate for at least four hours. Bake in the oven for 10 minutes at 200C (or grill it if you prefer). Serve with cous cous, mash, salad, vegies, whatever takes your fancy.