The early bird catches the entrails

Every morning at 6am, I go for a walk. I see strange things on my walks – an AWOL grey bunny that’s somehow avoided being eviscerated by dogs, foxes, crows; entrails strewn across the path, from a chook that hasn’t avoided being eviscerated by dogs, foxes, crows (or perhaps a satanist has moved into the neighbourhood); a woman letting herself into the children’s playground with her dog so he can use it as a giant toilet while she reads the paper; school dads sans their suits, jogging in lycra shorts … I like to have a goal on my walks, so I’ll often consult the street directory and head in the direction of real estate that’s on the market. If the owners are in residence, I’ll simply examine the facade. If the house is empty, I’ll peer in all the windows and sneak into the backyard for a stickybeak. Or I’ll go to the newsagent to check out the new magazines covers, get my latest dinosaur model and engage in “witty” banter with the shop assistant who thinks it’s funny – every single day – to pretend his dinosaur model delivery hasn’t arrived (until the day it really doesn’t arrive and I don’t believe him, leading to much pointless and annoying argy bargy). As I walk, I check out my fellow early risers. I’ll nod and smile to the amenable ones. I find they get friendlier as they get older. Pairs of middle-aged women are the least friendly. Occasionally, a passerby will bark something peculiar at me, like “Stripes are in!” And I’ll think, “My T-shirt is tie-dyed, I suppose that’s kind of like circular stripes … or did she mean she’s wearing stripes and I’m not, so nah-nah-nee-nah-nah?” I’m frequently surprised by the lack of etiquette people exhibit at 6am. Old people think it’s perfectly acceptable to holler across the road at each other. Middle-aged people think it’s perfectly acceptable to hoon along the street with their car alarm still blaring. Builders think it’s perfectly acceptable to park outside construction sites with their car radios blasting (mate, window up or down, it’s still too loud). I give them long, level, policeman-of-the-world stares. Because, of course, my 6am etiquette is always impeccable. Well, except for this morning, when I used someone’s carport as a changeroom after discovering my walking clothes were inside out and back the front. And that time I was caught short at the park. But I hid behind lots of bushes. I don’t think anyone saw me …

TONIGHT’S MENU: Mexican at the beach. Yum.