Einstein’s Theory of Relativity is about there being no such thing as an absolute position or speed or momentum in the universe. My Theory of Inevitability is about there being no such thing as absolute peace or sense or lack of momentum in the universe of parenting. Some of the major points that make up my theory are …
1. While playing board games, at least one child will cry or storm off screaming “it’s not fair”. Even though it is. Usually because they haven’t won or you’ve refused to let them cheat.
2. When dining in restaurants, one of your children will knock a drink over.
3. If you give a 375ml bottle of juice to a child in a car, they will spill it everywhere (Husband gave one to Sprog 2 recently. He didn’t get her the pop-top because it only contained 25% juice. Always get the pop-top. Better 75% of something other than juice in their belly than 100% of juice all over the floor.)
4. When your meal tray arrives on a plane, your child will suddenly be “busting” to go to the toilet.
5. Halfway through any supermarket shop, your child will be “busting” to go to the toilet. In fact, halfway through any public event, your child will be “busting” to go to the toilet. Especially when there are no toilets within coo-ee. And always five minutes after you passed a toilet and expressly asked if they needed to go.
6. If there is something to be tripped over, anywhere, your child will find it. And trip. And graze their knee. And howl. You may admonish them for not looking where they were going. This will not help the situation, it will just make them howl more.
7. When your child makes you see red and yell at them, you will feel guilty afterwards. It doesn’t matter how annoying, dangerous or stupid the thing was that they did.
8. If it wasn’t annoying, dangerous or stupid, and you just yelled at them because you were tired, hungry or stressed, you will find it difficult to apologise. The fact that you wouldn’t let them get away with such poor behaviour will be completely lost on you.
9. Your child will accuse you of yelling when you are just trying to explain something loudly and forcefully. You will show them what yelling really sounds like. They will burst into tears, storm into the bedroom and slam the door. Their younger sibling will cower behind the sofa for 20 minutes. The peace and quiet will be so blissful, it will almost outweigh the fear you’ve become a hideous monster of a mother.
10. The entire bathroom will resemble Waterworld whenever your children wash their hands or clean their teeth, and especially when they have a bath.
11. Children fart, a lot. Fart jokes will never get tired (for them). Same goes for poo and spew.
12. If you stay out too late and drink too much, your child will invariably wake an hour earlier than normal and want to play Barbies with you.
13. You will, at some point, tell your child to “shut-up”. You’ll know this is terribly wrong, but you won’t be able to stop yourself.
14. New foods will be eyed with suspicion. This is an innate safety mechanism, designed to stop 12-to-24-month-olds eating things that might be dangerous or poisonous. After that, it’s simply a mechanism to drive you up the wall.
15. You will tell your child to stop running or they will fall over and hurt themselves. They won’t listen. They will fall over. They will hurt themselves. This will happen, on average, 500 million times before they turn eight.
15. Despite all of the above, you will love your child with an intense and blinding passion … when your rage finally subsides.
DIET TRANSGRESSIONS: A seven-course lunch. Enough said.
TONIGHT’S DINNER: Still in Melbourne! The world is still my oyster! Actually, it’s Thai takeaway at my sister-in-law’s house.
housegoeshome 
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