There are many things I've done in my life that I'm ashamed to admit. I once mouthed "you're ugly" to a toddler screaming over her mother's shoulder in a check-out queue. The toddler promptly vomited all over my shoes. I was wearing thongs. I think that's what you call karma. Speaking of vomit ... I... Continue Reading →
Where for art thou, cheese and bacon roll?
Do your children snack on fruit, low-sodium wholewheat crackers and natural yoghurt? Well bully for you. Sprog 2's diet drives me to despair. She's a processed food junkie. There's one faintly beige "wholemeal" bread she'll eat. Her morning tea is a shameful collection of little plastic-wrapped, artificially coloured and flavoured treats. Getting her to consume... Continue Reading →
Country girl?
Fresh air, cheap houses, gourmet produce ... Every time I visit Albury I want to move there. Really. It helps that my parents-in-law live in fantasy land. They have a brand new house with every mod-con, even a ducted vacuum system. Ooooh, I'd love a ducted vacuum system. The in-laws serve fancy nibbles before dinner each night:... Continue Reading →
Christmas cuckoo
I've lost it. Totally lost it. Nothing else explains my delirious excitement about Christmas. I can't wait. I'm beside myself with anticipation. I haven't felt this way since I was 10. Well, more like 22. (There was this crazy phase between 18 and 22 where I sewed Christmas stockings for my parents, sister and grandparents and buzzed around searching for little gifts to fill them with each... Continue Reading →
Diet! Diet! Or I’m gonna roll away …
There's this song stuck in my head. It's by The Village People. The Village People were my favourite band when I was 13. I saw Can't Stop The Music many, many, many times at the cinema. (Erm, and I now own it on DVD.) I wanted to marry Randy. He was the cowboy. I had no idea The Village People were... Continue Reading →
Naked ambition
Some school mums got naked in the lounge room yesterday. I wanted to strip and join them, but I was too shy. They go to the gym every day, they're all skinny and toned. They tried to talk me into taking my clothes off. They assured me a bit of belly blubber didn't matter. I just couldn't. Let me explain ... the mums have bought a salon-standard... Continue Reading →
Half-baked idea
What sadist mother came up with the concept of sending your child to school with cupcakes on their birthday? Twenty-six more bloody cupcakes. I've had it up to HERE with sugar, butter and flour. I spent all of Friday baking spider cupcakes, tombstone cupcakes and eyeball soup birthday cakes for Sprog 1's birthday party. The chickens... Continue Reading →
Maybe baby?
Someone asked if I was pregnant in the playground yesterday. I get that a lot. And it's not just a since-I-left-work-and-let-myself-go thing. Once, when the office lunch trolley man posed the question, I growled, "Nuh, just fat ... pass the lasagne." Years ago, a French work associate congratulated me on my happy news. I told him I was "just fat" too.... Continue Reading →
Bear with a sore head
I'm going off the grog. Well, except for fortifieds after dinner, but they don't really count, they're just dessert. Oh, and weekends. Can't possibly go off the grog on weekends. Too many occasions that require social lubricant. So, I'm going off the grog from Monday to Friday. Well, except when I go out on Wednesdays. (Husband is home on Wednesdays, so... Continue Reading →
There will be blood
Sprog 1's birthday party was AWESOME. There were a few tense moments. Like when I forgot to give the "gross party" entertainers my phone number (and didn't have theirs), so they couldn't call to confirm they were coming and just sent a vague email wishing me a "great weekend". That freaked me out. I mean, shouldn't they have said "see... Continue Reading →
