All I (don’t) want for Christmas is … the flu

And this time it’s not the cuddly toy variety from the science store. An insidious lurgy has been stalking me for days. I woke up on Tuesday feeling a bit off. Sore throat, zero energy. Tidying up the house for the inaugural School Mums & Retrenched Dads Christmas Gathering was a blast. I tried killing the germs with a cheap champagne tasting session (important not […]

Sacking offence

I’ve lost the Sprogs’ Santa sacks. Well, that’s not entirely true. I know approximately where they are. They’re in the attic. Somewhere. There’s a door in our walk-in wardrobe that leads to the attic. I like to open the door, throw things in, shut the door and, voila, the house is tidy. Once a year, Husband sneezes and swears and restores order […]

What a twit

I signed up to Twitter on Sunday. My inner-Luddite had been resisting, but a friend talked me into it. I’ve already learned some valuable lessons. Like not to tweet while inebriated. And if you do, don’t mention the words “anal bleaching”. It may seem funny at the time, but you’ll wake to discover you have followers with certain interests. These […]

Nowhere to hide

I like to hide in my ensuite. I read magazines, fantasise over Boystown Lottery brochures and take long showers. Sprog 2 – aka The Mummy Homing Pigeon – has a sixth sense about when I’m trying to escape my familial obligations. I was in the shower yesterday when I heard her special method for opening the ensuite door – pulling it shut before opening […]

Blame it on the horizontal boogie

Always eager to shift blame, I’ve decided my middle-aged spread is the Sprogs’ fault. Accommodating their 4.3kg and 4.1kg fetuses was the first transgression. They were so big they had to be surgically removed, which prevented any form of exercise beyond a miserable hobble when each was born. And my skin afterwards … loose, very loose. (Though fortunately not in […]

Charity begins at school

When it comes to people in need, the less fortunate or the next round at the pub – sometimes all three at once – Husband throws money around like confetti. It’s my excuse (to myself) for being a tight arse. Someone has to show restraint or we’ll end up being the ones needing help. I keep that firmly in […]

The grinch who lost Christmas

I’ve misplaced my Christmas spirit. One day it was there, the next, pouf, gone. I’d really been looking forward to the festive season. I couldn’t wait for all those carols and the goodwill to all men. But now I’m feeling flatter than a tap-poured Diet Coke at the pub. Carols in the Park was just a yakkety-yak social gathering […]

The ugly truth

A grumpy old woman was in the queue before me at the bank last week. She was 70 in the shade. The bank teller turned his computer screen around to prove he wasn’t lying to her. I was his next customer. I smiled sympathetically at him. He took my cheque and looked at his screen. His eyes went a teeny bit wide. “I was […]

All I want for Christmas is … a pimple

Giardia, chicken pox, cholera, salmonella, chlamydia … not the first things that spring to mind when you hear the words “soft toy”. While visiting a science toy shop on the weekend we discovered a whole pile of cuddly toys in the shape of viruses and other icky stuff. They’re called Giant Microbes (there’s even a heart-shaped box filled with sexually transmitted diseases, I bet they go gangbusters on […]

Hot and sweaty

I couldn’t put it off any longer. I’d made enough excuses to Husband, to myself. I had to do it. Now my inner thighs are killing me. I kept hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but my body-fat ratio demanded action. It was time to start jogging again. I gave it up six months ago. It was painful. It was boring. I hated it. […]