I had the best intentions of cutting the carbs in the lead-up to going shopping to a wedding in the US next month. But every week I’ve found a new excuse for not doing it. I had the flu (the kind where you retain your appetite), I had the blues (the kind where you retain […]

Not on my nature strip. On my neck. You remember wattles? Richard Fish made them famous on Ally McBeal, stroking them in a fetish-like way on the necks of older women such as Dyan Cannon and Janet Reno (see below). I was blissfully unaware of mine until I was sitting at the hairdresser’s yesterday. Those […]

I’ve discovered an ingenious diet plan. It’s called work. And I think it might. You see, when I was at home there was a fridge at my disposal 24 hours a day. The fridge was filled with all manner of luscious things that I couldn’t resist. The fridge at work has a dried up avocado […]

My Ode to Feb Fast (I’ve started a day early and I’m dropping carbs instead of cabernet) with a little help from Sinead O’Connor … It’s been seven hours and fifteen seconds Since I took the carbs away I lay awake all night and I want to sleep all day Since I took the carbs […]

There’s this clever little trick my subconcious plays when I pork up. It doesn’t announce none of your clothes fit you Alana, you’re getting fat … no, it simply decides everything in my wardrobe is terribly unfashionable. Short skirts are so last year, no-one wears fitted tops any more and it’s way too hot for […]

I’ve been contemplating letting myself go. Well, more than I have already. Eating without guilt. Skipping the gym. Giving up on pants with waistbands. I don’t think Husband would mind. His dating history is littered with voluptuous women. The concept of consuming food indiscriminately and damning the consequences is very tempting. I took it for […]

I’m jettisoning my evils – as in “lesser of two evils”, except I have about 20 and none of them are lesser - when the school holidays end. Well, all of them bar one. I don’t think I could survive without one evil to sustain me.  I’m still deciding what my evil should be. I’m thinking it might be alcohol. […]

I thought the most brutal part about going to the gym would be the exercise, but I was wrong. Fighting your way into the classes is way tougher. I’m usually a pilates junkie – no sweating, lots of lying down – but my instructor has gone on holidays to eastern Europe (she’ll fit right in, she looks just like a Russian gymnast … […]

Only two days until The Cruise! A whole 18 nights with no responsibility, aside from ensuring the Sprogs don’t fall overboard. Absolutely nothing to do but relax. No beds to make, no rooms to tidy, no meals to prepare, no pots to scrub, no dirty clothes to wash, no homework to supervise … just endless time together as a family. […]

My astronomically expensive one-month gym membership expires on Monday. Should I stay or should I go? If I join for 12 months, it will cost me less than a quarter of the cleaner’s bill each week. Isn’t getting myself in order as important as getting the house in order? Plus I get a free Daily Telegraph every time I go. I don’t get that from my cleaner. […]